Inspirationally Speaking

“It’s easy to do the right thing when you have nothing to lose, hard to do the right thing when your back’s against the wall.”

I Want (OR: Beating a Dead Horse) ~Cait~

So, I had this amazingly intense dream last night. It was about a real person, a local sheriff’s deputy I’ve seen a handful of times. I have no idea what her name is and don’t really how to find out–not that it’s a good idea anyway. In the dream her name was Kacey Brennan–no idea where that came from. The first time I saw her I was on the bus and she was walking from her patrol car to take care of some sort of business at the city hall right where one of the bus stops is. I actually said “Ohhh my god!” out loud and almost didn’t catch myself before saying “I seriously need to get arrested!” for everyone around me to hear. She can snap those cuffs on me anytime! She’s heart-poundingly, palm-sweatingly, fireworks-flashing good looking. Jesus.

This dream was like nothing I’ve experienced before. For one thing, Florence + The Machine’s Drumming Song was pretty much constantly in the background, which is rather fitting, really. I haven’t been able to get the song out of my head and listened to it about half a dozen times today. I admit, partly to take my head back to the dream. The dream felt so incredibly real. It was about a real relationship and real sex and was all so vivid and intense, including an exhilarating scene where we were out for a ride on her motorcycle. I half expected her to be in the bed right next to me when I woke up. When I came to my senses I felt bitter, sad, angry and lonely as hell. There were tears and I’ve been so sad ever since I woke up.

I’m lonely, damn it! I get so fucking lonely. I want what I can’t have, what I can never have–not realistically. It’s not just Lady Sheriff Deputy. It wasn’t just S in the past. It’s anyone. Kali mostly lives our life for us and I don’t ever get to have a relationship. I don’t even get the opportunity to meet people because if I did that it could put the well-being of the whole system at risk, as I figured out when I was briefly willing to change life entirely to be with S. The thing that gets me is that I was in front for quite awhile–years–and I rather enjoyed that. I want that back. Sometimes I’m so ready to push myself forward and say “See ya!” to the life we have, the marriage that Kali, Gloria, whoever, is in. On days like today I’m ready to figure out how to be in the city more and meet people and create something for myself. Today I hate that I know better. I’m really detesting that fact.

I. Want. My. Life.

~Cait

Birthday Letter to My Mother

Dear P,

Your birthday is today so I thought I’d write you a letter. I want to tell you that I know you were as much a victim as any of the rest of us with F. I know you did your best to take care of me and D and I know how F undermined and gaslighted you to make that impossible. I understand this personally because he did the same thing to keep me away from my own children, your beautiful grandsons.

I want you to know that I wish we could be in communication but that it’s just too hard for me. I don’t hate you, I don’t dislike you. Really, I don’t even know you. But I do know that some of the things you say are still confusing to me. This is my problem; I own it. My issues make things unfair for you but unfortunately it’s how it is. After your handful of letters a couple years ago, I realized that I still don’t know how to trust what you tell me and that there are still many questions I have for you that I can’t trust you to answer accurately. This has a lot to do with your mental illness; it’s not a blanket statement saying that I can’t trust you.

You moved too quickly when you sent those letters. All too quickly you were telling me how much you love me, that you missed me every day we were apart (which I don’t doubt, but it feels overwhelming), signing your letters with “Love, Mom.” You have to remember that we haven’t seen each other in person since 1984 and hadn’t had been in contact since 1985, and that before that we hadn’t seen each other all that much. And when I was with you, it was common for me to be in peril because of your boyfriends and/or your sister and her husband and/or even you. Please understand that you’re not my mom. You’re the woman who gave birth to me and who unfortunately wasn’t able to raise me. You’re my mother. It was too much for you to suddenly call yourself my mom. Even I don’t really feel like a mom to my boys because I wasn’t able to help raise them. A lot of the time I feel only like the woman who gave birth to them and who wasn’t allowed to raise them the way a mom, a mama, should.

I want you to know that I do think about you and care about you. I want you to be happy, to have a good life. We have so much in common because of F! I wish we could talk about it but I also know I wouldn’t be able to rely on your comments and your answers to my questions. And that is why I can’t send this letter. I never want to get your hopes up that we could have a relationship; that’s not fair to you. That’s F’s fault. He has taken a lot away from you, from me, from many people. He’s made it impossible for us to have a relationship. He stole your babies away from you and my babies away from me. But we each have our own issues that add to all that chaos, issues that make it impossible for us to have a relationship.

I don’t hate you. I have respect for you for moving on with your life in the best ways that you could. I have respect for you for not killing yourself when that would have been an easy answer to the pain I know you endure. I respect you for respecting me when I told you it won’t work for us to keep writing. You took a big chance getting in contact with me and I know how difficult it must be to not just keep sending an occasional letter to see how I am and if I’m ready to talk. Thank you for respecting my needs.

I hope you have a lovely birthday. You deserve that so much! You mentioned friends from church in your letters; I hope these ladies make your birthday something special for you. I hope your day is beautiful and peaceful. I hope the weather is wonderful and your pets are especially lovable. I hope you have a lovely birthday.

Happy birthday, P. Happy birthday to the brave woman who gave birth to me but did not get to raise me. You’re in my heart. Always.

I Wish

I wish I could get myself to blog again.

I wish I wasn’t having so much trouble with my chronic health issues.

I wish I wasn’t in physical pain every day.

I wish I wasn’t in emotional pain every day these past few weeks.

I wish I could get through a day without crying.

I wish I could get things done around the apartment.

I wish I had the energy to cook reasonably healthful meals.

I wish I knew if my brother is okay.

I wish I knew if my half-brothers are okay and what they’re up to.

I wish my younger son wasn’t homeless. (He does have shelter and meals.)

I wish I didn’t keep forgetting to call my older son.

I wish I had a better relationship with my (step) daughter.

I wish I hadn’t cut the other night.

I wish this month wasn’t being so hard on me.

I wish my bio family knew how much I really do love them.

I wish I knew if an antidepressant would be helpful right now.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to consider an antidepressant.

I wish I didn’t feel like cutting more.

I wish it would snow.

I wish we had money so Hubby and I could exchange Christmas gifts.

I wish we had money so I could donate to the two agencies that have been helping my homeless son. (Outside In and Janus Youth Programs)

I wish I could make everything better for my hurting friends.

I wish I didn’t feel sad, anxious, overwhelmed, angry.

I wish I wasn’t having thoughts of suicide (with no intent).

I wish, I wish, I wish.

~Kali

Hiatus

I’m going to take a break from blogging for awhile. As much as I and several others enjoy writing, it feels like a break is in order for now. Things have been fairly level emotionally, which is very good. I’ve been in a continual battle lately to keep my fibro pain from completely taking over my life. Right now, reworking how I take care of things physically is the most important thing for me. I’m not closing the blog but don’t know when I’ll be back. I do check the contact email and comments pretty much every day so if anyone wants to reach me you can. I’ll be reading other trauma/DID blogs so I can keep up with how everyone is.

Thanks for understanding and for reading my blog!
~Kali

Birth Day

On this day at 3:07 pm, 43 years ago, this body came into existence. There has been a little trouble with the birthday but not nearly as much as the past few years. Some flashback-y stuff regarding the 16th birthday. Some murmurings from Rachel about not wanting to be a big girl (doing nasty, big girl stuff). Yesterday I had a mammogram, which was definitely a bit triggering but went pretty well, all told.

More than anything, though, we’re trying to figure out what this birth day means. Michelle is virtually non-existent, buried deep inside somewhere. This day is technically Michelle’s birthday. I (Kali) consider my birthday to be August 3rd. At this point I feel like this day is (and will further be) celebrated out of habit. I know it’s been a stretch for family and friends to make the adjustment from Michelle to Kali. (They’ve been fantastic about it, though, and more and more folks are remembering to use my name.) This year, anyway, I feel it’s a bit much to expect everyone to move a birthday to a different day. And the fact is that this is the day any of us came into existence. So I believe this will stay a day of celebration. For me, us, celebrating the fact that we are still here, that we have made it this far and are only getting stronger. For folks around us, yes, celebrating a birthday.

This is a day of freedom, triumph, peace, life, change, love, and so much more. Awful things happened year after year on this day but never again. This is our day of life.

Happy Coming Out Day!

Today is National Coming Out Day in a number of countries, including here in the US. Being one of at least four queerly oriented folks in this system, I can tell you personally that coming out can be be freeing and terrifying, frustrating and exhilarating, all at once. Throw in the complications of being multiple and that can make it all the above and more–and it surely has for us, even as recently as this past March. One thing I can tell you for sure, though, is that there are no regrets about any of us coming out.

Each person in this world is who they are. Be you!

That really is our jello. And you really are welcome to share this picture as long as you save the image to your computer first and credit Life, Multiplied.

Writer’s Block

Lately it’s been a combination of not having much to say and not being able to get started writing when I do know what to say. Not sure what’s up with that. There is a time for everything and I guess it’s not time to write these days but I did want to come say hi. Things have been pretty calm with the whole system, all in all, so that’s good. The birthday is coming up and so far that’s creating very little trouble. I’ve been in a fibromyalgia flare since the end of July and the past 3 weeks or so have been worse. I’ve had to take Vicodin more days than not, which creates side effects I’m not fond of at all. But really, I can’t complain. I’m pretty thankful for that. Very thankful.

Hopefully I’ll feel more like writing soon. I appreciate everyone who still comes to visit.
~Kali

It’s harvest time here in the PNW!

What I Learned Last Year

Believe it or not, I’m writing this on my birthday almost a year before you’re reading this now.  Because it’s the best way I could come up with to remind myself that the frenzied freaking out about my birthday is not only not helpful, the crazy thoughts I get about people not caring are just not true.  So there ya go!

ETA: The birthday is in a couple weeks but I wanted to be sure to post this reminder on this day so I don’t spend 2 weeks freaking out.

Inspirationally Speaking

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” ~ August Wilson

(jeannewinters on Etsy)