Exhausted But Free

Standard

That’s what came to mind this evening when I was walking from the mailbox to the front door. I haven’t been able to move yet because the background checking outfit flubbed up but I still feel very free and mostly peaceful these days. With moments of anxiety, of course. The past week has been a whirlwind of packing, having one of my best friends over, packing, having my sons over one last time, packing, running errands, packing, and going to a Social Security appointment today with C so he can finally be his own SSD payee. Oh, and did I mention packing? I thought for sure I’d be completely overwhelmed with that and only get the very basics done before I moved but I’ll have the entire apartment sorted and packed in the next couple days. All that is left is those last few things that get tossed into boxes at the last minute and the winter holiday things. I need to sort through those with C since he’ll want a good portion of them and some of them are sentimental to me.

Between the packing and just the stress of the transition, I’ve been so tired lately. Utterly exhausted at times. It seems that each evening I start yawning earlier and earlier. I normally wait until after midnight to blog but it’s not even 11:00 yet and I’m getting this done so I can get off the computer soon, read for a while, and be asleep by 12:30. I’ve been falling asleep easily most nights but waking up a lot after about 7:00 in the morning. And having lots of vivid dreams in the mornings, which makes me feel exhausted in itself. Today after the Social Security appointment I was super draggy and wanted to go treat myself to a good coffee but was too tired to go get it. I ended up taking a caffeine pill, which made all the difference in the world.

But free! And peaceful! Even things between C and me are so much more peaceful; it really amazes me. Last weekend when one of my best friends was here I asked her if it felt awkward. She said it felt more peaceful than usual. I’m not nagging C about things. His stuff isn’t bothering me. Even him talking to an old (female) friend online whom he is clearly interested in isn’t phasing me. It did bother me at first but it’s his business and it seems there’s not much going on so there’s not anything for me to be jealous of. C and I have had some good conversations this week, several about how remarkable it is that things have fallen into place so well–including the fact that he finally realized he didn’t want to make this non-workable thing work any more than I did.

I’m hoping to move in five or six days. As soon as it’s official that I’m not a criminal or bad renter, it’s go time. Just saying that makes me feel excited, scared, and sad at the same time. I hope I won’t be too emotional when the day comes and my tears will wait until the move is over and I’m not with C and a couple of his family members. I know they’d understand and I know it will be emotional for them too but I’d rather not be a teary mess around them.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying my last days here. Giving George the cat lots of loving before I leave him to share his life with C. Making sure I jot down important info for C and his parents. Spending time each evening cross stitching while I watch a movie on Netflix. Reveling in the trees changing color in my last autumn in this town. Being thankful for a grocery store just blocks away, something that will be much different once I move. And appreciating C for the person he’s being through this transition–he’s been fantastic through it all.

Peace,
Kali

This. Shit. Is. Hard.

Standard

Today I feel like I’m just muddling through with a brave face, with a moment here and there of hope that this will all be okay. The sorting and packing is stressful and painful. It’s worse because I’m going to have to give up more than I want since I’m moving to a room and will have no place to store things. I spent 11 years building up what I have, damn it!

I’ve been having times of wishing I’d never said anything and could leave things the way they were. But I also know that doesn’t make sense, nor can we go back. I haven’t been very happy being married to C. It’s no fun being with someone you don’t want to be intimate with or even kiss. It’s not fair to either of us. And it’s not fair to Gloria or Rhiannon since they have been the ones to deal with the job of being intimate. I realize they don’t mind it, especially Gloria, but I don’t feel right delegating that to them.

This next week will be a big balancing act. Get the important things done while taking good care of myself. Eating enough when I really don’t feel like eating much of the time. Getting enough sleep. Walking every day to alleviate stress. Spending time online to get away from my worries. Listening to loud music. And crossing my fingers that I continue to not end up with a stress migraine. Because this shit is hard!

Scary But Amazing

Standard

(Sorry for the novel of a post.)

So much has happened in just a few days, I can hardly believe it. In my last post I said that I would stay put in our apartment and C would move out. The more I thought about that, the more I knew I do not want to stay in podunk Newberg. There is nothing here for me now, it’s isolating here, and I’m ready to move on from this place where so many horrific things happened to me. It would be hard to create new experiences for myself and meet new people here. So I bit the bullet and sent an email. My older son has a room in a house with about four other people. I thought to myself, I’m familiar with these people, I could probably keep Abi (my companion cat), I know I’d feel comfortable cooking in the kitchen, it’s in a great location…why not just see if they have an available room. I knew that most likely there wouldn’t be room for me.

But there was! Someone had just moved out a few days earlier and the woman was really dreading having to make a Craigslist ad and weed through people who asked about the room. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go just anywhere if I was going to move away from Newberg, that I’d somehow have to be comfortable with the situation, and especially that I could keep Abi with me. Check to all, and then some. The idea of losing so much living space and giving up quite a few (unimportant) belongings can be hard at times but this upcoming living situation really helps make up for that. Added bonus is the fact that it will be easier for me to help my son as we continue to navigate life for him with as a young adult with autism.

On Monday C and I knew it was time to let go of our relationship. On Tuesday afternoon he talked to his brother and parents about the situation. On Tuesday night I got up the nerve to email K about the possibility of a room in her home. A couple hours later she said there is a room. On Wednesday I went to see her and take a look at the room. On Thursday I turned in the application at the leasing office and paid for my background check. There’s a loophole that means they don’t have to verify my income and are only making sure I’m not a criminal or a sucky renter, so there’s pretty much no way I’ll be turned down. I’m hoping to move into my new home on the 11th. It’s all been a whirlwind but it’s also continued to just fall into place. What were the odds that a room would be open at this home where I already knew I would feel safe and comfortable?!

Now C and I are working to get our collective Social Security dealt with so we each have our own money. We have an appointment with SS on Friday so C can be his own payee. We’re hoping that my rental agreement will be signed by Thursday afternoon so we can get the separate moneys stuff in the works while we’re at the SS appointment.

And now on to the emotional end of all of this. It’s been a freaking roller coaster. I’m sure this wasn’t helped by the fact that until yesterday I was premenstrual–and PMS has really been kicking my butt lately. Even though this is a great, amazing change for me, it is crazy stressful and scary. I can be excited as hell one minute, then completely doubting myself the next. Between the stress of change, being afraid that somehow this move won’t work out, and losing some great things and people in this whole process, there have been times when I’ve cried nonstop for an hour or two. Or five, as the case was two nights ago. Thankfully the past two days have been much better. Very little anxiety and no crying!

Even though this change and move will lead to some amazing new opportunities in my life, it also scares me so much at times. I just keep telling myself that I’m finally at a place in my life where I can handle all of this. The changes, the losses, all of it. It hurts to be losing C’s family. Even though we don’t see eye to eye on most things, they are great people and I already miss them.

One thing that’s been hard is the DID aspect of it all and how some people are reacting to that. I can explain until I’m blue in the face that Gloria was in front and the one who married C eight years ago and that her main job was done within a couple years of the wedding. That I was in front before she took over for a while and now I’m in front again for good as far as I know. That Gloria fully acknowledges her main job is done, although she is still part of our daily life in small ways. But I know I can’t expect people to understand this. How could they?! Even I don’t get it all. Try explaining to fundamentalist Christians who think they can pray away the DID–and to other people–that you’re literally not the same person they first met! I just have to roll with it and accept that most people won’t get this stuff. It is what it is, no matter what they think of it.

And so things are moving forward. I need to start packing the items that will move with me in about a week. One of my best friends is here for the weekend and tomorrow I’ll have her company to ease the stress of packing. My sons will be here for a night or two after the weekend for one last hurrah at Mom’s house. I told C I’ll need a few weeks to go through the things I don’t take with me and get them boxed up either for donating or taking with me and/or storing somewhere. He’s being very gracious about things like that. I helped C figure out what his budget will be like and wrote that all out. Lots of things need to be done before the move and still more after it. It can feel daunting, especially since I’m the one who’s having to take care of pretty much all of it. I made the bus trek into Tigard two days in a row to get room rental stuff going. I’ll have to go once or twice after the weekend. On Friday C and I have the Social Security appointment. (At least it’s an appointment and we aren’t walking in there, picking a number, and waiting for god knows how long for our turn.) Details. Busy-ness. Stress. Physical and emotional exhaustion. Crappy appetite that’s already causing weight loss. But no crying in two days. And no stress migraines sending me to bed with nausea that keeps me from even moving my head.

I can do this. I am doing it. This is scary but amazing.

In The End It’s Falling Into Place

Standard

I’ve been feeling really stressed out lately. The issue with DH (now known as C), worrying about my sons, the good stress of starting a Facebook group, worrying about money. Oh, and PMS has been brutal this cycle. I can’t stand myself half the time and I have moments (hours) of feeling downright suicidal because of my damn hormones. I’ve just really been feeling stressed.

Apparently C saw that on my face early this afternoon because he asked if I was upset. I told him no, just really stressed out. By what, he asked. So I told him. Including the marriage issue. I calmly laid out, yet again, our differences. And reminded him that this is nothing new, he has known it for a while, and we’ve just worked with it. And then he suggested that we quit trying to make it work. Those weren’t his exact words but that’s the gist of what he said. It was all calm. No one was upset, no voices were raised. We finally came to the mutual agreement that it doesn’t make sense to stay married. Which I’ve known for ages, of course. In the end it’s falling into place.

So now I am single. Well, separated. Does that mean single? I don’t exactly know. What I do know is that inside I am jumping for joy that I’m not in a relationship with him anymore!

We discussed how to separate. He is hoping he can stay with his parents. I really don’t know if they’ll let him. Tomorrow he’ll put his name on the list to move into a different apartment here in our complex and/or another complex a few blocks away. I think we’ll be okay being roommates for a while if we need to be. I am not moving, for reasons I’ve mentioned before. Way too stressful. We will divide the money in half until mine gets situated. Until I get my SSI back I won’t have enough money to cover all the expenses here and am hoping to be able to borrow money.

There are lots of changes coming. I feel relieved but also sad and scared about how things will change. The relief of not being in a relationship with him is incredible. I keep thinking, “I don’t have to kiss him! No more sex! I don’t even have to hug him!” But the changes will be stressful even though they’re good ones. Him moving out. Somehow to getting the money sorted out. Figuring out if I’ll still fit in with his family in any way. Living on my own again. Knowing I may well have to give up one of the cats, who won’t be easy to place. Even silly little things like not having a big flat screen TV, since we bought that with C’s SSD back pay and it’s only fair that he take it. Thankfully I have a smaller standard TV. Lots of changes and details to deal with. I know they’ll be stressful but it feels more natural and like the right time than ever before.

In the end it’s all falling into place, and it makes me feel amazingly liberated. This is gonna be good!

~Kali

i am… (take 2)

Standard

i am…
worried about my children

i am not…
handling my stress very well tonight

i feel…
trapped in my living situation

i want…
to injure after I post this

i need…
to remember that I will feel like crap tomorrow if I injure, both physically and mentally

i have…
a lot of fear about my sons’ futures

i love…
the Facebook group I started for myself and some friends

i hate…
not knowing how things will turn out for my sons or myself

~Kali

Inspirationally Speaking

Standard

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been a week since I lost wrote. I have a lot to get done today and can’t write but I do have a new post in the works that I’ll post in the next few days. In the meantime, I leave you with this:Every day
Thank goodness it’s so true! Have a great day, everyone. Sending you all peace.

~Kali

I Can’t

Standard

And I feel both weak and relieved. I would lose so much. My routines, my own kitchen and the capability to cook for a couple people for pay, something that is important to me for both the money and as an outlet for stress and creativity. My cats (it’s hard to find a room to rent that will accept animals). Security and familiarity.

Gloria, who married Cory in the first place, has finally stepped up and spoken. I was wondering if that would happen. At first, when she was silent about the leaving, I assumed she was okay with it and just rolling with it. But she’s not okay with it at all. She helps us so much in daily life and especially in dealing with certain people and circumstances in real life. I can’t do that to her, leave and change everything.

I felt like I was going out of my mind with fear. I felt sick and suicidal thinking about all of the changes. It was feeling easier to be dead. And everything about leaving was so complicated and stressful. In order to get my SSI reinstated as a single person I would have had to not only prove I wasn’t on our current rental agreement but also that I had an agreement somewhere else (or so I was told yesterday). So I couldn’t just get off the current agreement and stay with a friend for a few weeks to get the money sorted out. That alone is a huge issue. I could go on and on about the obstacles but I won’t.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to leave. In the meantime I need to remember that I (and some of the others, of course) can really get caught up in the emotion of things and that I (we) need to step back when that happens and see how things will play out for myself before making any decisions. I feel foolish for even having written about any of this in the first place and considered deleting the posts about leaving but in the end that doesn’t make sense because it’s all part of my growth and process. I also recognize that part of this whole thing has been missing a certain someone who has been mentioned in posts in the past. I had to get past the emotion of that too.

Multiplicity is so damn complicated. It makes life ridiculously complicated and stressful. I know we all serve a purpose in this system but I hate how complicated it can get. Even though I feel relieved to not be dealing with the stress of changing my entire life, there’s still a big part of me who would rather not stay here. But I’m also keeping in mind that none of us is going to be happy all the time. For now, I’m staying put.

Damn, I hope this made sense. I’m not all here now at all.

~Kali

I Don’t Know How

Standard

I can’t do it. I cannot do it. I can’t.

Tonight I’m so scared about the thought of leaving here, of changing my life. How can I really make it work out okay? I haven’t had to start over in 11 years. To have to start all over again? To have only a couple people to fall back on logistically? To lose people who love me and whom I love (DH’s family)? How the hell do I do that?! I don’t know how to do that.

There are a lot of things that need to fall into place and I’m so worried they won’t. If the first thing doesn’t work out, I’m kind of screwed. What if I really can’t get things to work out the way they need to?

I feel really terrified about it all tonight. And very trapped. And I keep crying. And I’m switchy and we keep going between me, Rhiannon, and Robert. Robert is outstanding at putting my father’s words into my head. He was programmed to do that and he’s way too good at it at times. Like tonight. “You’ll never get out. You’re where you’re supposed to be, taking care of a man, and don’t you forget that. You’re not strong enough to do this. You don’t have the guts. You are his forever!” And Rhiannon knows this is all true, and what are we doing trying to change that? We should go to DH’s bedside right this minute, even though he’s sleeping, and give him the love and hugs we (I, Kali) have been withholding lately. And I’m trying to have hope that I could make the changes happen and work out even though I’m fucking scared. I think it’s a very good thing DH is asleep, because I think Rhiannon would have gone to him and told him what’s going on and said we wouldn’t leave.

Fear sucks. My bravado is completely obliterated tonight. I know I want to be out of this marriage, out of this town. I know I need that. I’m just so afraid something will go badly once the process is in action and I’ll have nowhere to go. I’m afraid of the stress migraines I know I’ll get, am starting to get right now. I’m afraid of losing my belongings. I’m afraid of ending up in the hospital from the stress. I know the logistical steps to make things happen (or at least try to make things happen) but I don’t feel brave enough to move forward.

I hate this.

~Kali