Something we wrote back in January that fits so well with life right now. Okay, always!
One body to live in
We all have to give in
Just a little
She likes this
He likes that
It’s a struggle
I can’t have one thing
You can’t have another
Somehow we all have to make it work
One fear here
Another fear there
Look—we can help each other
You do this
I’ll do that
Together we’ll make it
It’s still far from easy
If one part in a system is married and another part becomes intimate with someone else, is that infidelity? That’s the question, plain and simple. Except that being multiple is anything but simple. Being multiple totally blurs the lines on this and I’m really interested in what any of you have to say about it.
~Kali
…to someone who will never see this.
Thank you, my beloved brother, for shielding me from the trial. For telling the prosecutor to absolutely not make me part of the trial. You knew our father would drag me through the mud, would possibly take me to my utter death. I’ve met a couple people recently who are being dragged through the mud and it’s horrifying. Thank you so much for protecting me. I’m 100% positive it’s part of why I’m still around to write this. You are my second hero, right after your beautiful daughter. I love you.
~Kali (Michelle to him)
Be good to you!
Be yourself, truthfully.
Accept yourself, gratefully.
Value yourself, joyfully.
Forgive yourself, completely.
Treat yourself, generously.
Balance yourself, harmoniously.
Bless yourself, abundantly.
Trust yourself, confidently.
Love yourself, wholeheartedly.
Empower yourself, immediately.
Give yourself, enthusiastically.
Express yourself, radiantly.
~unknown
There are a couple posts that might help yesterday’s Mawwaige post make more sense. One was posted and then taken down–just re-added today, the other was there all along. I swear, we need to create a post that lists the whole drama in order, from a year and a half ago all the way through today. Maybe we will…
When InviziblePain wrote this post about not being the one her husband married, it really struck a chord with me. I was already feeling much the same way and this stuff has been swirling around in my head for weeks now, waiting to become my own blog post. If only I could have seen the future before “my” wedding 5 1/2 years ago, before we met DH just over 6 years ago. Yes, I wrote this post not even six months ago, but that was more for the opportunity to publicly prove The Father wrong. If there had been any recognition of the multiplicity 6 years ago, I doubt even Gloria would have gone through with getting married.
Gloria is the one who married DH. And that is the biggest problem. Now we’re all in this marriage and that’s how it will stay for the foreseeable future. It’s not that anyone hates DH, although a couple aren’t fond of him. Mostly everyone tolerates him and accepts the fact that he’s who we’re all spending life with right now. Gloria loves him dearly, of course, and I (Kali) care about him very much. But damn, some of us seriously want our own life/ves, our own relationship/s, including me.
Cait and I both miss S, although Cait’s longing reaches well into a tear-inducing heartache at times. Yes, I admit it, I miss her. I can go either way, but I lean more toward women and I do miss that woman. We miss our life with her, our commonalities (even including issues with sex) and being a family with her and “our” daughter. Even a couple of the inside kiddos wish to be around her, to talk to her. I also admit that Cait isn’t the only one who ponders trying to get back together with S. Will that happen? Not likely. Not only has S not communicated with us in any way since we literally got smoked out a year ago, but I feel like we totally blew it with her, for good. (And that part at the end of that smoked out post that says there really isn’t anything there? Nuh-uh. So not true. Cait was very angry, very sad, very frustrated. At this time, too. This is more of what rings in our minds these days.) Maybe it’s infatuation; Cait says, “Unequivocally, love!” Call it what you will but we do miss her. That’s our truth. I realize that we waffle, but ultimately it’s from fear of things not working out, and not wanting to hurt her yet again–or get hurt.
Lately there’s been a drive to change things, not necessarily with S. It feels less scary to think about moving and having many things about our daily life change. It feels less scary to think about not being in this marriage. We can even think about not seeing our T anymore if we moved out of this county. We (Cait and I) know it all feels less scary than it did 15 months ago (when thinking about leaving DH for S) because we’re not in the moment of making changes. We are well aware of that fact. But we are also so much less scared about making changes that we can imagine it happening. Not necessarily with S, since she may never talk to us again, but still happening.
I ponder the possible changes quite a bit these days. The logistics. The emotions. How it would all take place. Who (outside) might be involved. Hell, who here might be involved. (Cait? Me? Maybe even Joss or someone else?) I ponder where we could be in a year, literally and figuratively. We are growing, and it’s entirely possible (and sad, without a doubt) that we are growing out of this marriage.
~Kali (and Cait)
*I absolutely couldn’t help myself when using this title. We ♥ The Princess Bride.
On this day four years ago a very evil man (my father) was arrested for very evil acts, ending his decades-long reign of terror. Some in my system rejoice over this, some agonize over it. More than anything, I’m proud of my niece for being brave enough to walk into our local police station and tell her story. I may not currently be in contact with her, but she remains my biggest hero(ine)! Because of her, we are healing, slowly but surely.
~Kali
I want to write but I’m not sure why I bother. Does it make a difference for me? For us? For you? I don’t know, but here I am, here we are. For what it’s worth.
Things have been…not good. I have a day, or half a day, where things feel pretty decent. But really? The past several months have felt pretty damn wretched too much of the time. DID/trauma issues + chronic pain + chronic sleep issues that have been worse than usual = holy shit, I need things to be better! I know it could be worse, but come on, now! A person (and their system) can only take so much.
About the sleep. I’ve had trouble falling asleep much of the time for decades. The other day I told DH that I’ve had sleep problems since before he was born–he’s 9.5 years younger than this worn-out body. And that is entirely accurate. To make things worse, about 5 weeks ago I decided to try a supplement, 5-HTP, for my pain. It naturally boosts serotonin and a few studies have shown it to be helpful for fibromyalgia pain (as well as insomnia and depression). I weaned off my trazodone because too many things that affect serotonin can cause serotonin syndrome, which can be rather nasty. I thought the trazodone didn’t do much to help me fall asleep but apparently it helped more than I knew. It definitely helped me stay asleep more than I realized. Three days ago I finally had to throw in the towel and quit the 5-HTP without getting near the dose I hoped for, because my sleep has sucked so bad. I’m not sure how much was not having trazodone and how much is other stuff. I often don’t know. What I do know is that it HAS to get better. I even took Ativan and a small dose of Seroquel the other night, which should have knocked me on my butt, and it still was after 4:00 a.m. before I fell asleep. And then I was completely messed up all that day from the meds, causing me to miss a family gathering I’d been looking forward to. I just need to sleep. Who inside is keeping me awake? Can we please just fall asleep okay? Please?
Things have felt pretty chaotic too much of the time lately. For weeks and weeks. Months, I guess. I’ve lost track, honestly. There’s been strange, chaotic switching that is driving me bananas. A lot of times it goes something like this: I notice something that DH has done/hasn’t done/has done not well, so I say something to him about it, usually just a casual reminder to pay attention when he’s doing X so it gets done properly. Everything can be pretty much fine and dandy, aside from my feeling a bit irked that I have to remind him again. Switch. Cue Joss, who is much more outspoken about this stuff and will give DH a bit of hell about it, about how it’s not fair to me that I should have to rewash his dishes all the time. This, I can handle, DH can handle; we’re pretty used to it. But no, now we have: Switch. Cue…someone. I believe it’s usually Wifey, who made herself known about a month ago, but I realize has been around for ages. This is where things blow apart. It goes from me being a bit irritated that I’m yet again looking at a dish that just got washed but is still dirty to a raging mess of someone who believes she is here on Earth to take care–in every way–of whatever man is in her life. Someone who knows there is nothing that can ever be done about this situation, it’s just how it is. Someone who wishes desperately that it was different, who hurts so much because it’s this way, but feels absolutely powerless to change it. Someone who has been told this is so, told it will never change. And this is where I, Kali, can actually hear my father’s voice and sometimes it’s all I can do at that moment to not end up a sobbing heap on the floor. Because then, even I am believing his words for the moment.
I don’t know what to do with this shit, I really don’t. I look at how things were about 4-3/4 years ago and I, Gloria, whomever, functioned so much better than we are now. I understand it has pretty much everything to do with my father’s arrest on the 22nd of February four years ago. We function differently now that Pandora’s box was blown wide open that fateful night and many of us inside finally felt (feel) safe enough to show ourselves, our pain, our joy, our lives. But how do we get things back to decent functioning? We’ve been winging it with our T, who hadn’t really ever worked with a multie before and is learning right along with us (with the help of a knowledgeable colleague, thankfully). Things feel at a stand-still. Some things are better–there were only 4 instances of self-injury last year, very nearly only 3. That’s huge. But we’re not okay. How do we become okay? I just don’t know how to make us okay.
Also, Cait continues to feel incredibly lonely and hating the fact that there’s not much she can do about that. That really throws a wrench into life because she is so integral in our daily living and has been for so long. Even I feel it’s not fair that she can’t have the friends she wants, the partner she’d love to have. Gloria is the one who married DH and now that’s where we are. It really is unfair to Cait and anyone else inside who longs for a relationship of their own. It doesn’t help Wifey’s feelings of helplessness about having to take care of DH, either. I’m sorry it’s this way, everyone. We must all hold tight.
It does make a difference to write…
~Kali
It’s eight in the morning. I haven’t slept. Not that I haven’t tried. I even took a sleeping pill when it was clear I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. I just took my Vicodin/ibuprofen/Benadryl/Phenergan combo, plus an Ativan. It wasn’t pain that kept me awake but now I hurt enough that I needed that, plus I’m really edgy and anxious. I sent Therapist an email letting her know I couldn’t sleep again and can’t come in AGAIN. Fucking embarrassing, and I worry she’ll think I’m not trying hard enough. This happened last week too. And it’s happened plenty of other times. I really needed to see her. I need to see if I can get a PCA again (personal care assistant, to help with errands, light housework, and mental health support). But even if I hadn’t taken the pain combo, which will hopefully have me sleeping in less than an hour, I’d be a total zombie from lack of sleep and that’s a horrible way to have a session. I’d have to navigate the buses and go to the library and hit the store on my way home. My pain would be through the roof all day too, and I can’t function very well when I’m hurting terribly–nor can I really accomplish anything outside the apartment when I’ve taken Vicodin.
I’m so angry and frustrated! Things feel out of my control in several ways. I’m doing what I can to gain and keep control but when I can’t sleep that blows apart. I’m pissed off at my father for stealing thousands of nights of sleep from me. I’m pissed off at him for causing so much trauma, which almost certainly started the fibro by age 5 or 6. I’m pissed off at him for causing the DID that keeps me from functioning properly and, along with my physical limitations, results in things like our apartment being an overwhelming disaster. I’m so angry and sad! I’m crying for the fourth time in 6 hours.
If these meds don’t kick in and make me a sleepy enough to sleep soon, I’m going to lose my mind. And now I’m getting a killer headache. Lovely.
~Kali
“It’s easy to do the right thing when you have nothing to lose, hard to do the right thing when your back’s against the wall.”
