Epiphany

Hey, Cait here. So, about a week ago I wrote another protected post that was a letter to my beloved S. The next day I wrote her a long letter that ended up not being sent, telling her I was ready to just go for it and be with her. That we could all handle the changes and everything. First it didn’t get sent because our T got sick and I couldn’t share it with her like I wanted to before I sent it. Then that night a good DID friend called and she and I talked about it all for like an hour. She suggested waiting until I could talk to our T. She also said I should try to figure out how Robert might react since he can be so unpredictable and has done some serious shit to our body. It was good to talk to her and it really helped.

The next day I and several of the others started feeling uneasy about the idea of really going for it. Uneasiness is a good sign that something’s wrong, don’t you think? Back in September it was uneasiness that started before everyone went to full-blown panic about changing our entire life. There wasn’t that total panic this time so I was a little confused about what was going on.

A couple days after writing the letter I realized I could never send it. I can try my damndest to convince myself that everyone would be okay but that’s not true. I can try to convince myself that the change would be just as hard on S as it would on us but that’s far from true. Everything would change for us. S’s world would change quite a bit, yes, but pretty much every last thing would change for us. S would gain me/us. We would lose nearly all of our support: hubby’s family, our family, even S’s family would look at it all differently (and Michelle is very good friends with them). Michelle’s best friend would stick by her but hate that she left hubby. We’d also lose our T and our care worker. Everything would change. Can’t do that.

BUT, that is not the epiphany. This is the epiphany: What I really love is the idea of being with S, the idea of being in love with her. I love her but am not in love with her like I thought I was. I love our past, the past all of us have shared with her. I love that we were in love. But I’m not in love with her now. I get twitterpated at times, but holy shit, I’m really not in love with her!

And you know why? Because the reality is, she has very little to offer me and us (another part of the epiphany). Even if I was really in love with her and really could be with her, a life with her would be uninteresting and, well, kind of lifeless. We in this body deal with so much physical and emotional shit but the truth is that we participate in life quite a bit more than she does. I do not devalue her trauma and how it affects her daily life–I know all about that, of course. But she lives her life in a much more physically and intellectually sedentary way. I know that sounds awful, but I don’t mean it to be. There are plenty of people who would say we live a rather sedentary life, both physically and emotionally. We do what we can do, as does S. But we have our life here with the hubby and the cats and all the rest that comes with it and that is where we’ll stay. I might get totally twitterpated again but now I’ll be able to remember the light bulb moment and keep moving forward.

~Cait