I just put my cutting and bandaging supplies away, mere minutes after taking them out of the closet. I was so ready to cut. It was a rough day, my window of sleepiness passed without me making it to sleep, I’m tired, I’m anxious, I’m frustrated, and I freaking hurt–emotionally and physically. I rashly pulled the supplies out of the closet because of the emotional pain but I put them away because of the physical pain. I admit, what’s saving me tonight are twinges that make me worry about both the second kidney stone passing and the possibility of a urinary tract infection brewing. I want to dull the emotional pain by cutting but the last thing I need is to end up in the ER needing IV pain meds for a kidney stone and having to explain why my leg is all bandaged up.
Thankfully there’s been some diversion from self-injury every single time these past 6 months. Sometimes it’s worrying DH will wake up and figure out what I’m doing, sometimes it because my meds have kicked in and I’m too sleepy to do anything, tonight it’s not wanting to be a bandaged, bloody mess if I need to go to the ER for other issues. Hmmm, not to mention I have a doctor’s appointment in two days and I hate her knowing about new self-injury. Well, as my therapist says, whatever saves me, great!
But I hurt. It’s hard to keep my mind from straying to the heinous things my father did to me (and to my niece). It’s hard not to think about the way things might have been if none of that had happened. It’s hard for my little insiders to not be afraid. It’s hard for the older ones to not be angry (and anger hurts, it really does). It’s hard to be away from my sons, one of whom is having a difficult time right now. It’s hard to have something I really want to do with myself but feel unable to do it because my father feels too wrapped up in it. So much feels so hard and it hurts. It hurts out to the tips of my fingers. It hurts!
But no cutting or other bodily harm tonight. Instead I managed to put the supplies away and pull up the laptop. A triumph. And now my Ativan has kicked in and I think I might actually be able to sleep. I need that sweet relief.