I Want (OR: Beating a Dead Horse) ~Cait~

So, I had this amazingly intense dream last night. It was about a real person, a local sheriff’s deputy I’ve seen a handful of times. I have no idea what her name is and don’t really how to find out–not that it’s a good idea anyway. In the dream her name was Kacey Brennan–no idea where that came from. The first time I saw her I was on the bus and she was walking from her patrol car to take care of some sort of business at the city hall right where one of the bus stops is. I actually said “Ohhh my god!” out loud and almost didn’t catch myself before saying “I seriously need to get arrested!” for everyone around me to hear. She can snap those cuffs on me anytime! She’s heart-poundingly, palm-sweatingly, fireworks-flashing good looking. Jesus.

This dream was like nothing I’ve experienced before. For one thing, Florence + The Machine’s Drumming Song was pretty much constantly in the background, which is rather fitting, really. I haven’t been able to get the song out of my head and listened to it about half a dozen times today. I admit, partly to take my head back to the dream. The dream felt so incredibly real. It was about a real relationship and real sex and was all so vivid and intense, including an exhilarating scene where we were out for a ride on her motorcycle. I half expected her to be in the bed right next to me when I woke up. When I came to my senses I felt bitter, sad, angry and lonely as hell. There were tears and I’ve been so sad ever since I woke up.

I’m lonely, damn it! I get so fucking lonely. I want what I can’t have, what I can never have–not realistically. It’s not just Lady Sheriff Deputy. It wasn’t just S in the past. It’s anyone. Kali mostly lives our life for us and I don’t ever get to have a relationship. I don’t even get the opportunity to meet people because if I did that it could put the well-being of the whole system at risk, as I figured out when I was briefly willing to change life entirely to be with S. The thing that gets me is that I was in front for quite awhile–years–and I rather enjoyed that. I want that back. Sometimes I’m so ready to push myself forward and say “See ya!” to the life we have, the marriage that Kali, Gloria, whoever, is in. On days like today I’m ready to figure out how to be in the city more and meet people and create something for myself. Today I hate that I know better. I’m really detesting that fact.

I. Want. My. Life.

~Cait

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