I want to write but I’m not sure why I bother. Does it make a difference for me? For us? For you? I don’t know, but here I am, here we are. For what it’s worth.
Things have been…not good. I have a day, or half a day, where things feel pretty decent. But really? The past several months have felt pretty damn wretched too much of the time. DID/trauma issues + chronic pain + chronic sleep issues that have been worse than usual = holy shit, I need things to be better! I know it could be worse, but come on, now! A person (and their system) can only take so much.
About the sleep. I’ve had trouble falling asleep much of the time for decades. The other day I told DH that I’ve had sleep problems since before he was born–he’s 9.5 years younger than this worn-out body. And that is entirely accurate. To make things worse, about 5 weeks ago I decided to try a supplement, 5-HTP, for my pain. It naturally boosts serotonin and a few studies have shown it to be helpful for fibromyalgia pain (as well as insomnia and depression). I weaned off my trazodone because too many things that affect serotonin can cause serotonin syndrome, which can be rather nasty. I thought the trazodone didn’t do much to help me fall asleep but apparently it helped more than I knew. It definitely helped me stay asleep more than I realized. Three days ago I finally had to throw in the towel and quit the 5-HTP without getting near the dose I hoped for, because my sleep has sucked so bad. I’m not sure how much was not having trazodone and how much is other stuff. I often don’t know. What I do know is that it HAS to get better. I even took Ativan and a small dose of Seroquel the other night, which should have knocked me on my butt, and it still was after 4:00 a.m. before I fell asleep. And then I was completely messed up all that day from the meds, causing me to miss a family gathering I’d been looking forward to. I just need to sleep. Who inside is keeping me awake? Can we please just fall asleep okay? Please?
Things have felt pretty chaotic too much of the time lately. For weeks and weeks. Months, I guess. I’ve lost track, honestly. There’s been strange, chaotic switching that is driving me bananas. A lot of times it goes something like this: I notice something that DH has done/hasn’t done/has done not well, so I say something to him about it, usually just a casual reminder to pay attention when he’s doing X so it gets done properly. Everything can be pretty much fine and dandy, aside from my feeling a bit irked that I have to remind him again. Switch. Cue Joss, who is much more outspoken about this stuff and will give DH a bit of hell about it, about how it’s not fair to me that I should have to rewash his dishes all the time. This, I can handle, DH can handle; we’re pretty used to it. But no, now we have: Switch. Cue…someone. I believe it’s usually Wifey, who made herself known about a month ago, but I realize has been around for ages. This is where things blow apart. It goes from me being a bit irritated that I’m yet again looking at a dish that just got washed but is still dirty to a raging mess of someone who believes she is here on Earth to take care–in every way–of whatever man is in her life. Someone who knows there is nothing that can ever be done about this situation, it’s just how it is. Someone who wishes desperately that it was different, who hurts so much because it’s this way, but feels absolutely powerless to change it. Someone who has been told this is so, told it will never change. And this is where I, Kali, can actually hear my father’s voice and sometimes it’s all I can do at that moment to not end up a sobbing heap on the floor. Because then, even I am believing his words for the moment.
I don’t know what to do with this shit, I really don’t. I look at how things were about 4-3/4 years ago and I, Gloria, whomever, functioned so much better than we are now. I understand it has pretty much everything to do with my father’s arrest on the 22nd of February four years ago. We function differently now that Pandora’s box was blown wide open that fateful night and many of us inside finally felt (feel) safe enough to show ourselves, our pain, our joy, our lives. But how do we get things back to decent functioning? We’ve been winging it with our T, who hadn’t really ever worked with a multie before and is learning right along with us (with the help of a knowledgeable colleague, thankfully). Things feel at a stand-still. Some things are better–there were only 4 instances of self-injury last year, very nearly only 3. That’s huge. But we’re not okay. How do we become okay? I just don’t know how to make us okay.
Also, Cait continues to feel incredibly lonely and hating the fact that there’s not much she can do about that. That really throws a wrench into life because she is so integral in our daily living and has been for so long. Even I feel it’s not fair that she can’t have the friends she wants, the partner she’d love to have. Gloria is the one who married DH and now that’s where we are. It really is unfair to Cait and anyone else inside who longs for a relationship of their own. It doesn’t help Wifey’s feelings of helplessness about having to take care of DH, either. I’m sorry it’s this way, everyone. We must all hold tight.
It does make a difference to write…