Moving Forward, Letting Go

In my Resignation and Addendum posts I mentioned that I heard from S (old friend and previous partner) the other night and that I was open to a cautious friendship with her but nothing more. As the day went on after writing Addendum, I realized why I woke up feeling so low that morning. It was frustration and anger with S about how she ended up calling me again and also sadness about knowing that I would be letting go of her completely.

Yes, completely. And knowing I will finally have closure with her (from her?) has lifted a weight off me that I didn’t realize existed.

I was quite surprised when she called two nights ago. If the caller ID had shown up in her name instead of her daughter’s I would not have even answered the call, but honestly, it’s good that I did. Because it gave me to the opportunity to see some truths even more clearly than I had been starting to anyway. It gave me to the opportunity to truly see some things that several friends have pointed out to me repeatedly but I was willing to overlook—the blinders were ripped from my eyes. It showed me how little we have in common, how much differently I live my life. I’m not at all saying I’m better than her, just that I choose to live my life in a more positive light.

Shortly into the phone call, I asked S why she decided to call me. Turns out I was basically her consolation prize, her second pick. She was sad and lonely because she can’t go visit her daughter for a while so she called me. Would she have called eventually anyway? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. The premise of her call is what really matters, and it didn’t happen for the best reason. Her reason for calling was ultimately shallow and hurtful and whether it’s from her or anyone else, I deserve better.

In talking to S it became clearer than ever that the few things we have in common aren’t enough to sustain a strong friendship. Our past, our mental health issues, both of us being on the queer spectrum—those are no longer enough. They haven’t been enough in a long time. It also became unmistakable that the difference in the way we each live our lives is a huge stumbling block. So often I feel that I don’t have much of a life. My fibromyalgia and mental health get in the way of the life I’d love to live. But over the course of our two-hour conversation it dawned on me that even with my limitations, I live circles around her. I honestly feel bad for her because she is so bogged down in life. And I don’t say that in a mean way, I sincerely wish she had more life in her, that she would fight harder to live better. But it also doesn’t mean I have to be dragged down with her. Part of a friendship is to support each other and I can’t even imagine how she and I could be on equal footing in that respect. And then there is the fact that as far as I still know, she does not believe in my/our multiplicity. A pretty major deal-breaker.

Even though it feels freeing to be bringing closure to our relationship, it’s also sad. We met nearly 26 years ago in a psych hospital when we were both seniors in high school. Her daughter and my older son are just three months apart in age, and when our three kids were very young they were practically raised together. Even when I was forced apart from my own sons, I helped her raise her daughter. We were in a romantic relationship twice and nearly a third time. We’ve seen each other go through a lot and have travelled through many of those things together. We’ve shared a lot of life!

I will always want the best in life for S. I will always send petitions to the universe (and Gloria prayers to God) that her life will become more of what she wants it to be and that she’ll be truly happy—let it be! I know I’ll have moments of missing her, missing the past, wishing things could be different. But I’m glad it’s finally time for moving forward and letting go.

~Kali (with input from Cait)

Resignation

No, I’m not giving up blogging. “Resignation” was the answer I thought to myself when DH asked a question tonight. We were having a disagreement and he asked why we even renewed our vows. And the honest answer is because I resign myself to staying with him. That and it’s what I’m willing to do. Because it would be difficult and traumatic to change things.

I’ve been meaning to write about this and it’s time. I have a dirty little secret: I wish certain words had never flown out of my mouth at the end of June. When DH and I decided to make things work after we basically split up I wish I’d never said, “It seems like the perfect time to just go ahead and renew our vows.” Within 24 hours of saying those words I regretted it, I regretted it all through the planning and expense of the vow renewal and I regretted it that very night itself. Every night I lie down to go to sleep and regret it. Sometimes I have to medicate myself to keep the racing thoughts at bay. I don’t believe it was the right decision to renew our vows and I feel trapped now. If there’s ever an issue and I feel the best thing is for DH and I not to stay together, it’s now even more complicated to go through with that.

And several of the others feel at least as negatively about it. A couple are seriously pissed at being in this position now. At least one is worried about ramifications from The Father for restating commitment to DH and not The Father, even though it’s incredibly unlikely that there would be any issue. (If he hasn’t sent someone here to harm us so far, that’s a good track record to show it will probably never happen.) There have been many thoughts of suicide to escape this situation, including one night recently when I had to move the laptop out of the bedroom to avoid researching methods, as well as taking extra medication to sleep.

There is also resignation about never being good enough for anyone else anyway. Who wants an ugly, fat, frumpy 40-something woman who doesn’t work, doesn’t really contribute to society in any way? Who has no life? Who is relatively uneducated? Who has been on SSI for 17 years and can barely manage to make it through the day sometimes? Who didn’t even get to help raise her own children and currently has no relationship with one of them?

There is resignation about always belonging to The Father. We’ll just always be his, even though he’s locked up 230 miles away and can’t get to us physically anymore. He owns us. Period. There have been a number of pleas of apology to him in the night about the vow renewal.

And as of about six hours ago there was another bit of complication thrown in. Just three days after my vivid dream about her, S called me out of the blue. It’s uncanny that she chose to call now, right after that dream. I know Cait and I have to tread carefully in dealing with S so feelings don’t get out of control but I believe we can have a cautious friendship with her. But the phone call led to DH being upset that I made plans to meet her for coffee. He says I told him at some point that if he didn’t want me to hang out with S, I wouldn’t. This is a conversation I have no memory of, and I find myself wondering who was in front saying that to him. We argued about his belief that there will be another affair (if about 2 days with only kissing in them more than 2 years ago can be construed as an affair) and my certainty that there will only be friendship with this person I’ve known for nearly 26 years. This is when he asked why we even renewed our vows. And even though I won’t tell him, the answer is always the same:

Resignation.

~Kali

These Dreams

Several mornings ago I had a very unsettling dream. I woke up just enough to scrawl it into a notebook I keep on the bed, even though I could barely keep my eyes open to see. Thankfully it was light outside so I could at least see where I was writing on the page.

In the dream, S (real-life friend and ex-partner) and her roommate had moved out of their apartment very abruptly, leaving many items behind. Most were S’s belongings  for some reason, with very few of them being her roommate’s. Somehow I was there helping people I didn’t even know clear out the apartment. I quickly discovered many items that had either been mine or pertained to me in some way, then I realized S had left many things I knew she’d regret not having. Everyone was in a hurry to get the job done so I was hurrying to gather things before other people got to spots before me and just trashed things. I was highly emotional and confused, crying at times. It was very difficult to see all of the items and all of our history, both as friends and partners, and also everything S had been willing to leave behind. This even included framed pictures of her daughter, scrapbooks, and other important mementos. It made me realize how much I still loved her. And I just didn’t understand what on earth would make her, someone who is careful about saving things, leave such important things behind. I wasn’t afraid something awful had happened to her to make her leave so suddenly, I was just very bewildered about why she’d left everything.

I woke up before I knew how things ended. I don’t know if I was able to get everything important out of the apartment. It was such a vivid, interesting dream and it made a huge impact on Cait and me. Cait and I were unsettled and sad all day. I also kept trying to figure out what the heck the dream meant. About 12 hours after I woke up from the dream I was looking at a couple dream interpretation sites but I couldn’t even figure out what keyword to use for interpretation. The terms I could think of using were too vague or the sites weren’t equipped for a search such as “items left behind” or “move in a hurry.” I was on the verge of just letting it go when suddenly someone made it very clear what the dream was about: unresolved issues. I’m not sure who clued me in but I could practically feel them smirking and thinking what a dolt I was for not seeing it when it was so clear.

I do feel there are unresolved issues. Several things happened over a period of 18 months that caused us to end our friendship and Cait and I have felt a void from that all along. There are some things I’d like to be able to talk to her about and work out with her, even if we didn’t remain friends. There are most definitely unresolved issues.

Interestingly, the next morning I had a shorter, much less vivid dream that S and I were taking a road trip together. This makes me chuckle. Did my brain decide that the issues were resolved and we were traveling forward?

~Kali

How to Move Forward in Seven (Not-So) Easy Steps ~Cait~

Step 1: Long for the past and pine for that woman in the past enough to share your feelings with her, kiss her and create a huge mess when you realize it would be bad for the whole system to be with her.

Step 2: A couple months after tidying up said mess, continue longing and pining enough to think about sending her a letter saying you really do want to make it work–but don’t send the letter.

Step 3: Get feelings riled up again several months later and meet her for coffee, ending up at her place and becoming violently ill from her smoking (and probably stress)–but succeed in not telling her that you want to be with her.

Step 4: A year after getting smoked out, get the longing going strong again, send her a letter hoping you can be friends (without any mention of ulterior motive), get a letter back from her, and talk to her on the phone.

Step 5: After reading her letter repeatedly, realize there really, truly isn’t anything there to hang on to anymore–especially considering you have it right there in front of you in writing that she doesn’t believe you are multiple.

Step 6: Send her a letter telling her it’s a problem that she doesn’t believe in your multiplicity. Then cry with relief, sadness, anger, and frustration. Cry over loss and lost time. Cry about what you could have lost if you’d changed things to be with her.

Step 7: Know that feelings for her may arise again in the future but feel relief that this blog post will be waiting as a reminder that there is nothing to go to with her.

Something Pertaining to Yesterday’s Post

There are a couple posts that might help yesterday’s Mawwaige post make more sense. One was posted and then taken down–just re-added today, the other was there all along. I swear, we need to create a post that lists the whole drama in order, from a year and a half ago all the way through today. Maybe we will…

Mawwiage*

When InviziblePain wrote this post about not being the one her husband married, it really struck a chord with me. I was already feeling much the same way and this stuff has been swirling around in my head for weeks now, waiting to become my own blog post. If only I could have seen the future before “my” wedding 5 1/2 years ago, before we met DH just over 6 years ago. Yes, I wrote this post not even six months ago, but that was more for the opportunity to publicly prove The Father wrong. If there had been any recognition of the multiplicity 6 years ago, I doubt even Gloria would have gone through with getting married.

Gloria is the one who married DH. And that is the biggest problem. Now we’re all in this marriage and that’s how it will stay for the foreseeable future. It’s not that anyone hates DH, although a couple aren’t fond of him. Mostly everyone tolerates him and accepts the fact that he’s who we’re all spending life with right now. Gloria loves him dearly, of course, and I (Kali) care about him very much. But damn, some of us seriously want our own life/ves, our own relationship/s, including me.

Cait and I both miss S, although Cait’s longing reaches well into a tear-inducing heartache at times. Yes, I admit it, I miss her. I can go either way, but I lean more toward women and I do miss that woman. We miss our life with her, our commonalities (even including issues with sex) and being a family with her and “our” daughter. Even a couple of the inside kiddos wish to be around her, to talk to her. I also admit that Cait isn’t the only one who ponders trying to get back together with S. Will that happen? Not likely. Not only has S not communicated with us in any way since we literally got smoked out a year ago, but I feel like we totally blew it with her, for good. (And that part at the end of that smoked out post that says there really isn’t anything there? Nuh-uh. So not true. Cait was very angry, very sad, very frustrated. At this time, too. This is more of what rings in our minds these days.) Maybe it’s infatuation; Cait says, “Unequivocally, love!” Call it what you will but we do miss her. That’s our truth. I realize that we waffle, but ultimately it’s from fear of things not working out, and not wanting to hurt her yet again–or get hurt.

Lately there’s been a drive to change things, not necessarily with S. It feels less scary to think about moving and having many things about our daily life change. It feels less scary to think about not being in this marriage. We can even think about not seeing our T anymore if we moved out of this county. We (Cait and I) know it all feels less scary than it did 15 months ago (when thinking about leaving DH for S) because we’re not in the moment of making changes. We are well aware of that fact. But we are also so much less scared about making changes that we can imagine it happening. Not necessarily with S, since she may never talk to us again, but still happening.

I ponder the possible changes quite a bit these days. The logistics. The emotions. How it would all take place. Who (outside) might be involved. Hell, who here might be involved. (Cait? Me? Maybe even Joss or someone else?) I ponder where we could be in a year, literally and figuratively. We are growing, and it’s entirely possible (and sad, without a doubt) that we are growing out of this marriage.

~Kali (and Cait)
*I absolutely couldn’t help myself when using this title. We ♥ The Princess Bride.

For What It’s Worth

I want to write but I’m not sure why I bother. Does it make a difference for me? For us? For you? I don’t know, but here I am, here we are. For what it’s worth.

Things have been…not good. I have a day, or half a day, where things feel pretty decent. But really? The past several months have felt pretty damn wretched too much of the time. DID/trauma issues + chronic pain + chronic sleep issues that have been worse than usual = holy shit, I need things to be better! I know it could be worse, but come on, now! A person (and their system) can only take so much.

About the sleep. I’ve had trouble falling asleep much of the time for decades. The other day I told DH that I’ve had sleep problems since before he was born–he’s 9.5 years younger than this worn-out body. And that is entirely accurate. To make things worse, about 5 weeks ago I decided to try a supplement, 5-HTP, for my pain. It naturally boosts serotonin and a few studies have shown it to be helpful for fibromyalgia pain (as well as insomnia and depression). I weaned off my trazodone because too many things that affect serotonin can cause serotonin syndrome, which can be rather nasty. I thought the trazodone didn’t do much to help me fall asleep but apparently it helped more than I knew. It definitely helped me stay asleep more than I realized. Three days ago I finally had to throw in the towel and quit the 5-HTP without getting near the dose I hoped for, because my sleep has sucked so bad. I’m not sure how much was not having trazodone and how much is other stuff. I often don’t know. What I do know is that it HAS to get better. I even took Ativan and a small dose of Seroquel the other night, which should have knocked me on my butt, and it still was after 4:00 a.m. before I fell asleep. And then I was completely messed up all that day from the meds, causing me to miss a family gathering I’d been looking forward to. I just need to sleep. Who inside is keeping me awake? Can we please just fall asleep okay? Please?

Things have felt pretty chaotic too much of the time lately. For weeks and weeks. Months, I guess. I’ve lost track, honestly. There’s been strange, chaotic switching that is driving me bananas. A lot of times it goes something like this: I notice something that DH has done/hasn’t done/has done not well, so I say something to him about it, usually just a casual reminder to pay attention when he’s doing X so it gets done properly. Everything can be pretty much fine and dandy, aside from my feeling a bit irked that I have to remind him again. Switch. Cue Joss, who is much more outspoken about this stuff and will give DH a bit of hell about it, about how it’s not fair to me that I should have to rewash his dishes all the time. This, I can handle, DH can handle; we’re pretty used to it. But no, now we have: Switch. Cue…someone. I believe it’s usually Wifey, who made herself known about a month ago, but I realize has been around for ages. This is where things blow apart. It goes from me being a bit irritated that I’m yet again looking at a dish that just got washed but is still dirty to a raging mess of someone who believes she is here on Earth to take care–in every way–of whatever man is in her life. Someone who knows there is nothing that can ever be done about this situation, it’s just how it is. Someone who wishes desperately that it was different, who hurts so much because it’s this way, but feels absolutely powerless to change it. Someone who has been told this is so, told it will never change. And this is where I, Kali, can actually hear my father’s voice and sometimes it’s all I can do at that moment to not end up a sobbing heap on the floor. Because then, even I am believing his words for the moment.

I don’t know what to do with this shit, I really don’t. I look at how things were about 4-3/4 years ago and I, Gloria, whomever, functioned so much better than we are now. I understand it has pretty much everything to do with my father’s arrest on the 22nd of February four years ago. We function differently now that Pandora’s box was blown wide open that fateful night and many of us inside finally felt (feel) safe enough to show ourselves, our pain, our joy, our lives. But how do we get things back to decent functioning? We’ve been winging it with our T, who hadn’t really ever worked with a multie before and is learning right along with us (with the help of a knowledgeable colleague, thankfully). Things feel at a stand-still. Some things are better–there were only 4 instances of self-injury last year, very nearly only 3. That’s huge. But we’re not okay. How do we become okay? I just don’t know how to make us okay.

Also, Cait continues to feel incredibly lonely and hating the fact that there’s not much she can do about that. That really throws a wrench into life because she is so integral in our daily living and has been for so long. Even I feel it’s not fair that she can’t have the friends she wants, the partner she’d love to have. Gloria is the one who married DH and now that’s where we are. It really is unfair to Cait and anyone else inside who longs for a relationship of their own. It doesn’t help Wifey’s feelings of helplessness about having to take care of DH, either. I’m sorry it’s this way, everyone. We must all hold tight.

It does make a difference to write…

~Kali

I Want (OR: Beating a Dead Horse) ~Cait~

So, I had this amazingly intense dream last night. It was about a real person, a local sheriff’s deputy I’ve seen a handful of times. I have no idea what her name is and don’t really how to find out–not that it’s a good idea anyway. In the dream her name was Kacey Brennan–no idea where that came from. The first time I saw her I was on the bus and she was walking from her patrol car to take care of some sort of business at the city hall right where one of the bus stops is. I actually said “Ohhh my god!” out loud and almost didn’t catch myself before saying “I seriously need to get arrested!” for everyone around me to hear. She can snap those cuffs on me anytime! She’s heart-poundingly, palm-sweatingly, fireworks-flashing good looking. Jesus.

This dream was like nothing I’ve experienced before. For one thing, Florence + The Machine’s Drumming Song was pretty much constantly in the background, which is rather fitting, really. I haven’t been able to get the song out of my head and listened to it about half a dozen times today. I admit, partly to take my head back to the dream. The dream felt so incredibly real. It was about a real relationship and real sex and was all so vivid and intense, including an exhilarating scene where we were out for a ride on her motorcycle. I half expected her to be in the bed right next to me when I woke up. When I came to my senses I felt bitter, sad, angry and lonely as hell. There were tears and I’ve been so sad ever since I woke up.

I’m lonely, damn it! I get so fucking lonely. I want what I can’t have, what I can never have–not realistically. It’s not just Lady Sheriff Deputy. It wasn’t just S in the past. It’s anyone. Kali mostly lives our life for us and I don’t ever get to have a relationship. I don’t even get the opportunity to meet people because if I did that it could put the well-being of the whole system at risk, as I figured out when I was briefly willing to change life entirely to be with S. The thing that gets me is that I was in front for quite awhile–years–and I rather enjoyed that. I want that back. Sometimes I’m so ready to push myself forward and say “See ya!” to the life we have, the marriage that Kali, Gloria, whoever, is in. On days like today I’m ready to figure out how to be in the city more and meet people and create something for myself. Today I hate that I know better. I’m really detesting that fact.

I. Want. My. Life.

~Cait

Happy Coming Out Day!

Today is National Coming Out Day in a number of countries, including here in the US. Being one of at least four queerly oriented folks in this system, I can tell you personally that coming out can be be freeing and terrifying, frustrating and exhilarating, all at once. Throw in the complications of being multiple and that can make it all the above and more–and it surely has for us, even as recently as this past March. One thing I can tell you for sure, though, is that there are no regrets about any of us coming out.

Each person in this world is who they are. Be you!

That really is our jello. And you really are welcome to share this picture as long as you save the image to your computer first and credit Life, Multiplied.

Tough Equation

Not hearing from Younger Son in 3 months now + Younger Son moving 700 miles further away today + Reconnecting with aunt (a positive stress) + Cait’s ex-partner’s birthday yesterday + September 7th meaning something but not knowing what + chronic pain + a trigger at the store + PMS = 12 hours of total chaos yesterday (Thursday)

Crossing my fingers that the next few days are much, much better! I’ll owe my poor husband something big otherwise, poor guy. But hey, no self injury, w00t!

(There, I found a way to explain a bit about what’s going on without having to write volumes or sound like a walking pity party. )