Chain Reaction

You know that experience where things are feeling a bit agitated on the inside and someone on the outside does one little (but feels huge) thing that escalates the agitation and pisses off someone inside and they yell at said someone on the outside and won’t let it go because they haven’t let off steam in awhile and the body is (literally) very hungry and then not only is the pissed off one pissed off but someone else inside is terrified they won’t get a basic human need met like they experienced years ago, and everything totally flies apart?

Yeah, that. Argh.

It boggles my mind how it can escalate so quickly. When things settle down from DEFCON 1 to DEFCON 3-ish I find myself thinking, What the hell just happened here? Everything was relatively fine ten minutes ago. That was over six hours ago and we still haven’t recovered as much as I wish. (I hope DH has recovered more than we have, poor guy!) Joss is still upset with DH for not making dinner right away when he knew how hungry I was and for eating something that I thought he knew was set aside for me. David is still panicking some about the possibility of not getting to eat. His fear agitates a bunch of us. I ended up making cake mix cookies to placate everyone. It only sort of worked.

Realistically, I know there is a lot going on inside and out. And lots of little–and some not so little–things add up. Handling it all well only lasts so long before something’s gotta give. It just blows me away how quickly it happens once the process has started and there is a crazy chain reaction.

(On the flip side, it could have been much worse and I know things will be okay. Even if David has a rough night. Also, kitties help a lot of things. Especially the handsome guy snoring at my feet and the sweet girl who just nudged me for some lovin’.)
(They’re both basket cases just like me!)

~Kali

Happy Coming Out Day!

Today is National Coming Out Day in a number of countries, including here in the US. Being one of at least four queerly oriented folks in this system, I can tell you personally that coming out can be be freeing and terrifying, frustrating and exhilarating, all at once. Throw in the complications of being multiple and that can make it all the above and more–and it surely has for us, even as recently as this past March. One thing I can tell you for sure, though, is that there are no regrets about any of us coming out.

Each person in this world is who they are. Be you!

That really is our jello. And you really are welcome to share this picture as long as you save the image to your computer first and credit Life, Multiplied.

No Voice, No Choice (poem)

No voice, no choice
Stuck here, it’s clear
Body one, inside some
Jealousy, discrepancy
Want love, none of
Issues many, problems plenty
Looking out, feeling doubt
Have to stay, have no way
Stuck inside, stop this ride
No choice, no voice
Some of us want out!

~collaboration, including David, Cait, Joss and more

Me, Myself and I

I’ve had this post roughly written in my head and even started it as a draft as a reminder to myself.  This past week’s fiasco with letting one alter get what they wanted even though it would strongly affect everyone else inside (not to mention outside folks) has spurred me to finish it.  So here you go.

To the people around me–whether or not you know I am multiple:

The fact is that I am multiple and that means you sometimes see someone other than just me.  You may wonder how I can act one way on one day and another way on another day.  For example, how could I have been gay at times and fundamentalist Christian at other times?  Most of the time you won’t know it’s an alter you’re seeing.  It’s possible but very unlikely that you might see something dramatic:  if Rachel is terrified and crying and wants to hide in the closet, you’d sure notice that.  Mostly the differences you might see are subtle.  Even switching right in front of you is subtle and you’re not likely to have much (if any) idea that it’s happened.

That said, here is a little guide to us; a way for you to have some idea who you might be dealing with at the moment.  It’s not a perfect guide, nor does it encompass the entire system, but you’ll get a feeling for a handful of key insiders.

When I’m talking about God, praising God, when there’s praying involved and the like, you’re usually seeing Gloria.  I, myself, prefer to stay neutral about faith, in deference to those inside who do not believe in God.

I admit I have my temperamental moments but when you see raging and meanness (almost entirely toward DH), Joss is virtually always involved.  On occasion Richard has done some nasty stuff but not in a long time.

I’m not queer but Cait and Joss are (and I’m pretty sure David is too).  Personally, I’m very queer-friendly, but when the conversation moves toward queer pride and the like, you’re most likely dealing with Cait and occasionally Joss.  Cait is the one who went to the queer pride parade this summer.

It’s Gloria who is actually the Happy Homemaker who makes sure things are taken care of.  I honestly have no idea how much of being a crafty, domestic diva is really me.  Mara has also had a role in domestic tasks in the past but since she’s just a little girl who isn’t supposed to have to worry about that stuff, we make sure none of that burden falls on her.

If anyone had seen me playing on the playground a few weeks ago with my best friend K, they would really have been seeing Rachel.  K is awesome about the insiders and Rachel loves and trusts her enough to have come out to play in public!

I haven’t self injured in ages, but Robert has and Joss and a few others have wanted to.  Most of the self injury inflicted on my body hasn’t been by me at all, I’m just not sure to what degree it’s been alters.

So there you have it, a small primer on who you might be interacting with at any given time.  It’s not all-inclusive and it doesn’t mean that, say, the person baking 7 dozen cookies is necessarily Gloria, but perhaps it will help you just a bit.

[Now if only I had the guts to send this to the people it would help and not just keep it as a blog post!]

~Michelle

We’re Ba-a-a-ck!

Good morning, good evening, wherever you may be, across the nation, around the world.  Gold star if you can tell me who and where that comes from!

Thought we’d check in and let you know how things are going.  We also plan on writing regularly again.  We had a couple months of rather spectacular mood and cohesiveness.  It really was amazing but also slightly unsettling because there’s always that sense of “When will the shit hit the fan again?”  The shit hasn’t totally hit the fan but things aren’t as rosy as they were for awhile there (as if life is always rosy, ha!).  Guessing this has a lot to do with the anniversary week we’re in right now.

One year ago today (it’s 11:49 on the 17th as I write this) The Father received a guilty verdict on all 27 charges he faced in his trial for hurting Michelle’s niece.  At that moment, there suddenly loomed the possibility of him receiving around 150 years in prison.  On Monday the 21st it will be one year since his sentencing.  He received over 57 years of prison time, virtually none of which can be reduced because most of his offenses were Oregon’s Measure 11 offenses.

This is an interesting time for us.  Some of us are naturally still relieved that his decades-long empire of control, pain and terror is over.  A few are still not okay with him being in prison.  Last night Mara spent several minutes sobbing “My fault, my fault, my fault, my fault, my fault…”  She still feels she did not take care of him well enough and that is why he hurt others and is now in prison.  She still wishes she could go to him in prison and try to make things all better.  Thankfully these feelings are much less intense most of the time; it’s this anniversary week that has stirred it up again.  Joss has been raging again at times and cannot shake the literally ingrained sense of being an evil, shitty, worthless nothing.  Nothing without him to make her anything, anyone.  David has been quite fearful and having much heartache, which makes some of us wonder if his issues have less to do with The Mother than we thought and more to do with The Father.

We are making it through, though!  There have been intense urges to injure and no one has done anything at all.  There are increased thoughts about an episode last September in which two insiders colluded and decided this body should no longer live.  Worries about something like that happening again.  But we’re fighting it all.  Fighting self-injury urges, fighting any thoughts of letting HIM win in any way.  We’re making it!

And we’re glad to be back.  There is lots to say, of course.  By the way, do you get a gold star?
~Cait

Meet the Gang

In our first post you got a brief run-down of who we are but we want you to know more about us.  There will be posts about each of us in this system but for now this will give you an idea of who this system is.  The remarks in the brackets–such as [little]–refer to Silent Symphony‘s wonderful explanation of the different members of a system family.  Insiders are listed by age because it is not always clear when someone has made him or herself known to Michelle and/or the rest of the world.

MICHELLE: born 18 October 1968 [core]

Charlie: 3? * blonde * pensive, scared * “I be dead” * took on extreme violence    [little]
A little guy who is scared but loves to play.  Loves lots of different toys—stuffies, vehicles, Duplos, blocks, small resin/plastic animals.  Loves the kitties.

Rachel: 6 * medium length straight brown hair * slight build * took on ritual & organized abuse and much of what happened with/around The Mother    [little]
A sweet girl who is quite smart but held back some because of the things that happened.  A girly-girl.  Loves pink & purple, dolls, coloring, blowing bubbles, playing Farmville on Facebook, watching Little Bear on TV.  She reverts to younger behavior at times because of the abuse.  Still worries some that someone may come and hurt her.  Stays out of the closet now, though.  Loves the kitties and her blanket.  Because of extremely violent sexual abuse, Rachel deals with body memories more than the rest of us.

Mara: 8 * shoulder length wavy brown hair * The Father’s little wife in every way    [little; ~dark]
Wise beyond her years because of the responsibilities she took on.  Smart and knows it.  Can read and write well.  Wants to be grown up and not at the same time.  Feels a strong allegiance to F even though she’s learning he was hurting her, not loving her, and has a hard time not wanting to go to him and give him what he expected from her for so many years.  Is learning to admit she enjoys 8-year-old things like American Girl books.  Enjoys Farmville almost as much as Rachel.  Enjoys puzzles, on- and offline.

Little Davy: 10 * scraggly longish dark brown hair * a split from David * not as scared, wants to be tough since David can’t be    [little]
Loves Lego, enjoys reading if it’s the right things, likes watching the cats play.  Thinks girls are silly.  Loves to be outside and would tramp around in the woods & countryside forever.  All boy!

Tommy: 14 * tidy light brown hair * keeps an eye on the little ones    [protector; ~light]
Can we say teenage boy?  Tough on the outside, sweeter than you think on the inside.  Has a real tenderness for the little ones.  Longs to be himself; very hard being a teenage boy in a middle-age woman’s body.  He likes TV shows like COPS and CSI.

David: 16 * messy mousy brown hair * timid & scared (terrified at times) * took on torture & neglect and being shut in small dark places    [fragment?]
Just wants things to be okay and no one to know how bad he is.  Not much sense of who he is or what he likes or wants.  Feels he doesn’t deserve anything anyway.  Wants to be loved but believes no one could.  Just scared in the background.

Cait: 17 * short brown hair * lesbian and proud of it * confident, outgoing * helps everyone get along and function * took on The Father’s sexual abuse when Michelle was a teenager    [light]
Has been in front a good portion of time compared to the others and has a lot of influence.  Hates being 17 and queer and unable to do anything about the way she feels about certain women. Can feel sad and depressed about this and has resorted to self-injury to chase away the pain.  Loves music and drawing.  Gets along with nearly anyone.  Enjoys life in general.

Joss: 19 * nondescript * jeans and t-shirts gal * bisexual * confrontational * took on sexual & emotional abuse and programming.  Joss & Rachel are connected    [dark; destructive; ?internal programmer; working on turning to protector]
Loves snarkiness (sarcasm & dry wit).  Likes getting some expression in through “bumper stickers” on Facebook—but knows where to draw the line for Michelle’s sake.  Enjoys snarky websites and wishes she could do harmless pranks.  Has had a lot to do with self injury and suicidal activity that has occurred.

Richard: 34 * tall & thin * here to make sure Michelle doesn’t get hurt by men anymore * quite in the background now for the most part (fairly merged?)    [protector; now light]
Smart and likes a mental challenge.  Enjoys crosswords and other word puzzles, loves playing solitaire of all sorts.  Analytical.  Hates being a man in a woman’s body.

Robert: early 50s? * short * hair short & starting to gray * took on programming    [dark; internal programmer; destructive]
Don’t know much about Robert.  Working with him to defuse and refute the programmed messages.  Aside from spewing the messages at us, he pretty much keeps to himself.

Gloria: mid-50s? * shoulder length, flowy blonde hair * maternal/motherly * keeps things under control * takes care of many things * is in front more than anyone else, probably even Michelle    [internal self helper; gatekeeper; light]
Caretaker all the way.  Loves being domestic, taking care of things, taking care of people.  Cooking, entertaining, giving of herself.  She holds things together and loves most of it.

Cait here.  I wish so much I could draw people, faces.  I would do drawings of each of us, including Michelle.  I want to take a drawing class or at least get a couple books so maybe I could eventually draw us all.  I wish I could show you who we are!

~Michelle, Gloria, Cait