(Sorry for the novel of a post.)
So much has happened in just a few days, I can hardly believe it. In my last post I said that I would stay put in our apartment and C would move out. The more I thought about that, the more I knew I do not want to stay in podunk Newberg. There is nothing here for me now, it’s isolating here, and I’m ready to move on from this place where so many horrific things happened to me. It would be hard to create new experiences for myself and meet new people here. So I bit the bullet and sent an email. My older son has a room in a house with about four other people. I thought to myself, I’m familiar with these people, I could probably keep Abi (my companion cat), I know I’d feel comfortable cooking in the kitchen, it’s in a great location…why not just see if they have an available room. I knew that most likely there wouldn’t be room for me.
But there was! Someone had just moved out a few days earlier and the woman was really dreading having to make a Craigslist ad and weed through people who asked about the room. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go just anywhere if I was going to move away from Newberg, that I’d somehow have to be comfortable with the situation, and especially that I could keep Abi with me. Check to all, and then some. The idea of losing so much living space and giving up quite a few (unimportant) belongings can be hard at times but this upcoming living situation really helps make up for that. Added bonus is the fact that it will be easier for me to help my son as we continue to navigate life for him with as a young adult with autism.
On Monday C and I knew it was time to let go of our relationship. On Tuesday afternoon he talked to his brother and parents about the situation. On Tuesday night I got up the nerve to email K about the possibility of a room in her home. A couple hours later she said there is a room. On Wednesday I went to see her and take a look at the room. On Thursday I turned in the application at the leasing office and paid for my background check. There’s a loophole that means they don’t have to verify my income and are only making sure I’m not a criminal or a sucky renter, so there’s pretty much no way I’ll be turned down. I’m hoping to move into my new home on the 11th. It’s all been a whirlwind but it’s also continued to just fall into place. What were the odds that a room would be open at this home where I already knew I would feel safe and comfortable?!
Now C and I are working to get our collective Social Security dealt with so we each have our own money. We have an appointment with SS on Friday so C can be his own payee. We’re hoping that my rental agreement will be signed by Thursday afternoon so we can get the separate moneys stuff in the works while we’re at the SS appointment.
And now on to the emotional end of all of this. It’s been a freaking roller coaster. I’m sure this wasn’t helped by the fact that until yesterday I was premenstrual–and PMS has really been kicking my butt lately. Even though this is a great, amazing change for me, it is crazy stressful and scary. I can be excited as hell one minute, then completely doubting myself the next. Between the stress of change, being afraid that somehow this move won’t work out, and losing some great things and people in this whole process, there have been times when I’ve cried nonstop for an hour or two. Or five, as the case was two nights ago. Thankfully the past two days have been much better. Very little anxiety and no crying!
Even though this change and move will lead to some amazing new opportunities in my life, it also scares me so much at times. I just keep telling myself that I’m finally at a place in my life where I can handle all of this. The changes, the losses, all of it. It hurts to be losing C’s family. Even though we don’t see eye to eye on most things, they are great people and I already miss them.
One thing that’s been hard is the DID aspect of it all and how some people are reacting to that. I can explain until I’m blue in the face that Gloria was in front and the one who married C eight years ago and that her main job was done within a couple years of the wedding. That I was in front before she took over for a while and now I’m in front again for good as far as I know. That Gloria fully acknowledges her main job is done, although she is still part of our daily life in small ways. But I know I can’t expect people to understand this. How could they?! Even I don’t get it all. Try explaining to fundamentalist Christians who think they can pray away the DID–and to other people–that you’re literally not the same person they first met! I just have to roll with it and accept that most people won’t get this stuff. It is what it is, no matter what they think of it.
And so things are moving forward. I need to start packing the items that will move with me in about a week. One of my best friends is here for the weekend and tomorrow I’ll have her company to ease the stress of packing. My sons will be here for a night or two after the weekend for one last hurrah at Mom’s house. I told C I’ll need a few weeks to go through the things I don’t take with me and get them boxed up either for donating or taking with me and/or storing somewhere. He’s being very gracious about things like that. I helped C figure out what his budget will be like and wrote that all out. Lots of things need to be done before the move and still more after it. It can feel daunting, especially since I’m the one who’s having to take care of pretty much all of it. I made the bus trek into Tigard two days in a row to get room rental stuff going. I’ll have to go once or twice after the weekend. On Friday C and I have the Social Security appointment. (At least it’s an appointment and we aren’t walking in there, picking a number, and waiting for god knows how long for our turn.) Details. Busy-ness. Stress. Physical and emotional exhaustion. Crappy appetite that’s already causing weight loss. But no crying in two days. And no stress migraines sending me to bed with nausea that keeps me from even moving my head.
I can do this. I am doing it. This is scary but amazing.