Tag Archives: DID/MPD

It Started With a Photo Search


Tonight I was looking online at hair photos trying to find the cut I really want and I came across this amazing gallery. As I was looking at all of these women, I was struck by the thought that I’ll never have the confidence these women have. How can I? Life can be challenging and complicated for anyone but I can barely explain myself to myself sometimes, let alone to new people I am meeting and may meet.

I feel like a baby dyke in certain ways. No, I didn’t just come out, not by a long shot. Twenty years now, wow! But I’ve never truly dated a woman, I just merged into a relationship with someone I’d known for 10 years. I only hung out with other lesbians for a few years in the city I came out in before moving away. I’ve only had sex with S. I’ve been married to men twice because of the DID, Gloria getting the credit for that second one. I don’t know the queer culture much these days.

I feel young in age too. A friend and I have discussed this a few times. We both feel stunted because of abuse. This goes back as far as high school for me, being best friends with someone who was four years younger than me. Her parents and mine brought it up more than once. I felt my age in my twenties because I (and who knows who else in the system) was functioning fairly well and raising two young children. Now I feel so far behind people my own age, partly because of my past but also because I haven’t worked in almost 20 years or even volunteered in ages.

All of this makes it hard when thinking about relating to new people. Who am I? Well, I’m a 46 year old atheist lesbian if you want to put a very distinct label on me. But I have all of these quirks. I have no life experience, not in the typical way. I’ve been through a lot, of course, but that’s different. I am starting to gain life experience now. I got out of a defunct marriage and am living on my own. I’m training as a volunteer at the library. I’m going to school in a month (another post entirely). But I feel so far behind people even 15 years younger than myself and it creates a huge lack of confidence. Plus I honestly don’t know how to make friends. Does it just happen? I guess it does, since that’s how I have my current friends. But how does one even connect with people for a friendship to evolve with? I just don’t feel confident about that happening.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this and I’ve run out of steam to write more. It started as a journal entry and I realized it would make a good blog post. I thought about not creating the post but I know that many of you reading can relate to so much of this. Even if you’re not gay and dealing with issues regarding that, I’m sure many of you understand the feeling of being behind your peers. And wondering how to present yourselves to people in a way that works for you and makes sense to the people you’re around. And I also like folks to know they’re not alone in things, so here you go. Thanks for listening.

(By the way, I haven’t found the haircut yet. I won’t stop looking until I find just what I want so I can show a stylist a photo on my phone.)

Do You Dream In Music?


It happens to me quite often. I do sometimes wonder if the music is a remnant of a visual dream but as far as I can tell it isn’t. It’s just music and probably 75% of the time it’s songs by The Cars, my favorite band. The music dreams feel both bizarre and fascinating to me. Just music! It’s been going on a lot lately and I can’t help wondering if it has anything to do with the increase in switchiness and general discombobulation that’s been going on for the past month or so.

So, do you dream in music? Do you have any other interesting dream patterns?


I Don’t Even Know


I’ve been feeling sad and lost and not strong at all. Several times today (30th) I felt myself almost panicking at the thought of having no one to take care of. It has been my/our identity. I’m not entirely sure how to take care of just myself, myselves. It makes me feel worthless and like I fucked up. Rationally I know that’s not true. I know my marriage was dysfunctional and stressful and I never would have been happy. But I feel like I’ll never truly be happy anyway. I sit in this room and wonder what the hell I’m doing. And I still have moments with the sense that things aren’t real and will whisper over and over “is this real is this real is this real is this real is this real.” On and on, trying to decide for sure. I’m more dissociative and switchy than normal and I know the wondering about things being real is part of that.

My throat is aching. It’s been aching off and on today. I don’t know exactly what’s behind it. Well, that entire previous paragraph of course. And I have the sense that there may be new memories pushing their way up. At the least, I’m noticing more activity, more voices lately. Nothing concrete, just noticing folks, and some of them feel scared. My throat aches, my heart aches. I think about dying now and then but I know I can’t do that. Will I ever feel okay, ever be okay? It doesn’t feel like it tonight.

Thanks goodness meds are kicking in and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep.

It’ll Be a Good Long Time


Before I get into another relationship. I know I should have stayed away from S but I really did hope things would be different this time and we could make it work. We really have both grown a lot in the past few years. It’s too bad it wasn’t enough.

But it wasn’t. And I also haven’t had time to be my own person with my own life. Even time for that wouldn’t have made the difference for S and me but it will make the difference for whomever is in my future. And I’m in no hurry at all for that! I often feel like there will never be anyone else, sometimes in a negative way (no one would want me) and sometimes not (maybe I’d rather be by myself). Whatever happens in the future, I need to be my own healthy self.

I did let S know that I can’t go to Colorado. That we agreed to take things slowly and see how things went and they didn’t go the way I hoped they would. She asked if she’d done anything wrong and I told her absolutely not. I said that we still have enough differences to make a relationship not work. I told her I care about her very, very much. We discussed being friends. The conversation went pretty well, under the circumstances.

A few hours later she texted me suggesting that I don’t want to be with her because we couldn’t have sex right away. What?! I have no idea where she pulled that from. I’m ridiculously grateful that we set boundaries to take things slowly, precisely so we wouldn’t have sex and things wouldn’t be more complicated right now. I told her that the sex thing is not the case at all and that I respect myself and her too much to have gone ahead and had sex right away anyway, even if I may have physically wanted it. I haven’t heard from her again and don’t know where we stand so we’ll see if she has anything more to say.

I’m frustrated with myself for letting this happen again. To her it must look just like the other times even though it’s definitely different. We both went into this cautiously, keeping an eye on things, watching to see how it would go. It went differently than I’d hoped and I took care of myself. That’s a lot better than letting things go on longer and ending up having sex and then breaking up. Or feeling trapped and considering suicide to get out of the situation. But I do recognize that it could look like the same old thing to her and I guess in a way it is.

And that’s why I need to take plenty of time to live my own life and be my own person. And let everyone else in the system have a chance to be out of a relationship as well. Rhiannon especially needs time with us being out of a relationship.

It’s exciting to think about what I could do with myself in the next few weeks and months. I want to volunteer at the library. Get a financial aid issue dealt with so I can go to school in September. Maybe join a group of some sort, although I’m not sure what kind of group. (And the idea of walking into a room of strangers is terrifying!) For literally the first time in my life I’m free to fly and I’m spreading my wings and going for it!

The Grass Really Isn’t Greener On the Other Side Of The Fence


Or, How Did I Get Myself Into This Mess?!

(Warning, novel ahead, partly because I had to take Vicodin and am feeling very chatty.)

Some of you know the whole saga of S, my (our, since Cait was involved too) ex-partner. I created a new category called S and edited every post about her to include that so you can read the whole thing if you want to. Lots of ups and downs. Wishing and hoping. Wanting something that I/we couldn’t have. And didn’t really want in the end. Except now I have her again. And the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. And I have to figure out how to gracefully get myself out of this.

How did all of this happen, you ask? About seven weeks ago I sent S a rather desperate note, apologizing for hurting her and saying that I wished we could at least be friends. A couple weeks after that S sent me a friend request on the Facebook account that I use for family and certain friends, including her sister and brother in law. She never got the letter because she had moved, something I obviously didn’t know. Therefore I didn’t know she sent the friend request on her own. I thought she sent it because of the letter. Of course I accepted the request immediately. And was then perplexed because she didn’t say anything to me, comment on anything I posted, or even reply to a couple comments I made on one of her posts.

On October 11th I posted “Happy Coming Out Day!” on her page with a rainbow flag pic. Within hours she was instant messaging me. She and her daughter saw on my profile that I was separated. She said she didn’t know if I was interested in talking to her but she is a much different person now than she was a couple years ago and hoped we might be friends again. Keep in mind, I still had no idea she didn’t read my letter and was assuming she had. When we figured out the coincidence of me sending a letter she didn’t receive and her sending me the friend request about a week later, we were pretty amazed. I still am. Even though I was still living with C, I made plans to go the next day to spend a couple days with her.

Suffice to say, we both had stars in our eyes. That first day we addressed what we hoped for, that being friendship turning to a relationship. A very slowly developing relationship. That first time I was there we didn’t kiss or even hold hands, which wasn’t exactly easy but was also for the best.

Even just the second night I was at her place a couple weeks ago I had doubt. But I also wanted things to work, of course. Partly because I feel like there will never be anyone else if there isn’t her. Settling. Uh oh.

A mere five days after spending time with her, she put her relationship status on Facebook as In a Relationship. Oh dear. That was too soon for me but I felt pressured to do the same, even though I knew it would create problems with some of the people I’m friends with on that account (namely C’s family). I felt that she would be hurt and not understand if I didn’t change my relationship status, so I caved and did it. And yes, it created a lot of confusion that several people brought up right away (but no one from C’s family, thankfully).

Not even 12 hours ago I got home from spending three nights with her again. There were several problems with this, the biggest being that it was too long to leave Abi (kitty) so soon after moving into our new home. I had my son come spend some time with her a couple times a day while I was gone but she was pretty upset with me when I got home. I feel horrible and can’t believe I did that to her. Another problem was that three nights was too long for me to be away. S is used to spending a week at a time with her daughter and grandchildren but that doesn’t mean I’m used to it. It was stressful for me to be away for so long from the routines I was just starting to get into. A third issue is how she eats. Absolutely nothing but processed crap. I’ve been eating badly enough anyway but to not have a single healthy option was stressful.

I spent much of the three days wondering what the hell I was doing. I felt confused and sometimes not sure what I wanted. But mostly I knew that this is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Don’t get me wrong, S has changed a lot. She’s grown and changed for the better. She’s much stronger and more stable now and I’m really proud of her for that. I know first hand how difficult the journey is and I give her a lot of credit for being brave enough to make the journey. But she still is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, or even have any sort of relationship more than friendship. And I’m not even sure how compatible we are as friends.

S and I are still very different. She does seem to be okay now with the idea of my multiplicity. I don’t think she understands it much at all but she seems okay with it. But seeming okay with it isn’t enough. I need to feel comfortable discussing it with her and I don’t, not more than occasional remarks. I need to be able to say to any partner I have, “I’m having a switchy chaotic night” and not wonder how okay she really is with it. Others need to feel comfortable popping out without any of us wondering what our partner really thinks.

And we are different in most other ways as well. The things we like to do. What we want to do with our lives. How we live our lives. Our stances on important issues and even issues that aren’t hot topics but matter a lot to me. When it comes down to it, our similarities pretty much boil down to our trauma histories and how that turned into us becoming friends almost three decades ago and the ups and downs of our relationship over that time.

Two nights ago as I lay in bed listening to her sleep (no sex, thankfully still only hand holding and basic kissing) I was in suicidal tears thinking about how I knew I can’t spend my life with her. Not only was I sad and frustrated that it couldn’t work, at that moment the best way I could see to get out of it was to kill myself. I know, awful, right? Night time can be really hard for me. All my worries and doubts come rushing in at night and that was no exception. I felt like I had not only made a mistake in reconnecting with S and pursuing a relationship with her, I had made a mistake in leaving C and should have left things as they were. Of course, I know that’s not remotely true, but it was what was going on for me. I fell asleep knowing that I would have to wait until at least November 10th to die because I couldn’t wreck plans my sons have with their dad. Yeah, irrational, but I know most (if not all) of you understand this irrational thinking.

I’m not suicidal about it all now; I know that’s no answer. I also know that I absolutely did not make a mistake in finally breaking away from C. It’s been difficult and painful at times but has also been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. And another good thing I need to do for myself is to break away from S.

Easier said than done. I don’t want to be the bad guy again, the one who does the hurting. A big reason for that is that of course I simply don’t want her to be hurt again. But another reason is that her roommate literally threatened my life. I’m not even kidding. When I was over there the first time her roommate took the opportunity when I was in the kitchen to tell me “If you hurt her again I’ll come and kill you myself.” That is verbatim, people. And I can’t say I wouldn’t put it beyond her. What a lovely dark cloud hanging over my head. Like it’s not bad enough worrying about hurting S anyway!

The night after the suicidal one I lay awake for quite some time after she fell asleep and tried to figure out how to keep this relationship from going any further without my being the one who says “This isn’t working.” She’s not really a deep talker so the opportunities don’t naturally arise to discuss issues that could show her how different we are. I’m not sure she can see how different we are even though I see it so clearly. It will be interesting to see how much work it takes me to get her to figure this out. I keep thinking of things to discuss with her to show her. Even something as simple as the fact that she adores Walmart and I steadfastly refuse to shop there because of how badly they treat their employees. I feel she’d think I’m being totally silly and why do I even care about that? But as far as I know, she doesn’t eve think about things like this. When I mentioned how much it bothers me that the US celebrates a man who didn’t actually discover America but did do horrific things once he got here, she looked at me like I was crazy. I’m not anywhere near as up on things as I’d like to be but I’m also not completely ignorant. Things like this matter to me. I could go on about different things but I’m trying to keep this from becoming a vent-fest.

There is one statement I could make that would be the deal breaker for her and that’s probably how I’ll approach this dilemma. She and her daughter and son in law have been making plans to move to Colorado. The very first day we saw each other in person again she said that she’s going to Colorado no matter what. That day, with stars blinding my view, I told her I’d follow her to Colorado. And by the next day I wondered what the hell I’d said that for. I do not want to go to Colorado! I don’t want to start over again in some place where the only people I know are her and the five people she’s going with. I just started over here and am loving it, thank you very much. My roots are here and this is where I intend to keep them. I love being in the Portland metro area and knowing there are many great opportunities for me here. I love being closer to one of my best friends. I love knowing that I will be in school again in a year. I love that my other best friend is still less than two hours away. I love being near my beloved Willamette Valley. I love being near my sons. I love it here. And that would make it very easy to say to S, “I don’t want to go to Colorado. I know you’re going no matter what but I can’t do it.”

But it still makes me the bad guy. I hate that. In the end, I know I have to keep this relationship from moving any further. I know I can’t dance around hoping that certain topics of conversation will make her shy away from me. It feels slightly wrong thinking about firing the Colorado bullet to cut things off. Will her roommate be pissed at me for saying I don’t want to go there? You and I know that would be ridiculous but we also can’t control how S tells the story. Even though I try to have confidence that the roommate wouldn’t come hunt me down, we also have never liked each other and I’ve always felt she sort of has it in for me. What a bullshit mess. Who the hell threatens someones life like that?! Jesus.

I know what I need to do and now I have to figure out how to do it. I dread this. But I’m thankful I’m figuring this stuff out now and not three months down the road after getting far more entrenched in each other’s lives. And you can be damned sure I’m going to do my best not to think about how the grass is on the other side of any fence. Because it really never is better.


Settling In


Well, it’s been longer than I planned between posts but here I am. Abi-kitty and I are settling in quite nicely. There are a couple boxes I still need to deal with but other than that the room is unpacked and arranged. There are some things I’d like to do with the room but can’t do that until I get my regular SSI check in December. For one thing, there are no closet doors and I’m planning on getting a tension rod and curtains or a colorful shower curtain and putting that up in the closet doorway. I’d love to get some inexpensive poster prints or something to put up on a couple walls. And some hooks for my different towels (bath, hand, kitchen). I also want to buy a couple skeins of super soft, fleecy yarn in December and start crocheting a blanket for myself. Oh, and I want a comfy chair to read in from a thrift store. I can only handle so much of sitting on my bed and the living room here isn’t really an option for quiet reading.

I keep pretty busy with things like getting groceries and other errands and I’m taking care of details like switching my DHS stuff (food stamps and Medicaid) to this county. Then I can get into the mental health agency too. This afternoon C and I have an appointment at Social Security to get the process going to separate our money so I can get my whole SSI check again. (Because of a very unusual loophole, in addition to C’s SSD we’ve also each been getting $1 in SSI, something that allowed me to keep my Medicaid and qualified us for more food stamps than we otherwise would have gotten.) I also recently spent about two glorious hours in the library, which is just 10 minutes away by bus.

My eating has been crap these past 4 weeks. It’s been over a month since I had a single gluten free day, and most of the food I’ve been eating has been processed convenience stuff. My body isn’t used to that or all the gluten and I sure can tell. I finally cooked real food several days ago and it was wonderful. I put the leftovers in single serving containers in the freezer. If I cook twice a week and put the extras in the freezer I’ll be just fine. On my way home from a friend’s house today I stopped off and got some fruit and salad. I’m not going to worry about eating gluten free for now but just eating better in general will get me away from so much gluten. I’m thankful that things are settling down enough for me to finally be putting better food into my body again.

It’s been great being right on a bus line and able to get places pretty easily. Target is dangerously close. ;-) Something that would make it even better is if it were easier to get to a grocery store. Before I moved I was several blocks from one store and just a few more blocks from an even better one. There’s one that’s right on the bus line and only about 10 minutes away but it’s too expensive to shop there all the time. No quick runs for food anymore, but that and having to be careful about how much I end up carrying home can save money in the end. I have to plan well, which is good.

And now on to the emotional side of it all. I’ve done amazingly well with all the changes. The worst of it was before I actually moved. I do get a bit lonely sometimes but having my son living in the same house helps. I think the loneliness is more of figuring out what to do with myself and working out new routines. I still talk to my friends online and get to chat a bit face to face with someone every day so there’s no reason to be lonely. (Then again, I was lonely being in the same home and even room with C.) Dealing with Social Security and DHS has been a bit stressful but nothing I can’t handle. Something that’s helping tremendously is that my PMS this cycle has been very mild. A nice change from my last cycle when I was quite anxious, so irritable I could barely stand myself, and was also having times of feeling really suicidal. That coincided perfectly with The Talk with C and the start of all the changes. Having such mild PMS this time has been a huge relief. (And also quite unusual, but I’ll take it!) I’m still feeling quite peaceful in general about the changes in my life and excited about the possibilities for the future. The System is pretty peaceful and calm too, which helps a lot.

There is one aspect that has been thrown into all of this that I’m not going to say much about in this post. A couple weeks ago I reconnected with S. Some of you know the background there. I finally just went through and added her as a separate category so you can read the whole crazy saga. The category is called, simply, S. I did reconnect with her and that has been interesting, telling, and emotional at times. The reconnection has added to both the stress and the happiness. And that is all I’m going to say about it here because that is a post in itself.

And there you have it. Peace, all!

Exhausted But Free


That’s what came to mind this evening when I was walking from the mailbox to the front door. I haven’t been able to move yet because the background checking outfit flubbed up but I still feel very free and mostly peaceful these days. With moments of anxiety, of course. The past week has been a whirlwind of packing, having one of my best friends over, packing, having my sons over one last time, packing, running errands, packing, and going to a Social Security appointment today with C so he can finally be his own SSD payee. Oh, and did I mention packing? I thought for sure I’d be completely overwhelmed with that and only get the very basics done before I moved but I’ll have the entire apartment sorted and packed in the next couple days. All that is left is those last few things that get tossed into boxes at the last minute and the winter holiday things. I need to sort through those with C since he’ll want a good portion of them and some of them are sentimental to me.

Between the packing and just the stress of the transition, I’ve been so tired lately. Utterly exhausted at times. It seems that each evening I start yawning earlier and earlier. I normally wait until after midnight to blog but it’s not even 11:00 yet and I’m getting this done so I can get off the computer soon, read for a while, and be asleep by 12:30. I’ve been falling asleep easily most nights but waking up a lot after about 7:00 in the morning. And having lots of vivid dreams in the mornings, which makes me feel exhausted in itself. Today after the Social Security appointment I was super draggy and wanted to go treat myself to a good coffee but was too tired to go get it. I ended up taking a caffeine pill, which made all the difference in the world.

But free! And peaceful! Even things between C and me are so much more peaceful; it really amazes me. Last weekend when one of my best friends was here I asked her if it felt awkward. She said it felt more peaceful than usual. I’m not nagging C about things. His stuff isn’t bothering me. Even him talking to an old (female) friend online whom he is clearly interested in isn’t phasing me. It did bother me at first but it’s his business and it seems there’s not much going on so there’s not anything for me to be jealous of. C and I have had some good conversations this week, several about how remarkable it is that things have fallen into place so well–including the fact that he finally realized he didn’t want to make this non-workable thing work any more than I did.

I’m hoping to move in five or six days. As soon as it’s official that I’m not a criminal or bad renter, it’s go time. Just saying that makes me feel excited, scared, and sad at the same time. I hope I won’t be too emotional when the day comes and my tears will wait until the move is over and I’m not with C and a couple of his family members. I know they’d understand and I know it will be emotional for them too but I’d rather not be a teary mess around them.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying my last days here. Giving George the cat lots of loving before I leave him to share his life with C. Making sure I jot down important info for C and his parents. Spending time each evening cross stitching while I watch a movie on Netflix. Reveling in the trees changing color in my last autumn in this town. Being thankful for a grocery store just blocks away, something that will be much different once I move. And appreciating C for the person he’s being through this transition–he’s been fantastic through it all.


Scary But Amazing


(Sorry for the novel of a post.)

So much has happened in just a few days, I can hardly believe it. In my last post I said that I would stay put in our apartment and C would move out. The more I thought about that, the more I knew I do not want to stay in podunk Newberg. There is nothing here for me now, it’s isolating here, and I’m ready to move on from this place where so many horrific things happened to me. It would be hard to create new experiences for myself and meet new people here. So I bit the bullet and sent an email. My older son has a room in a house with about four other people. I thought to myself, I’m familiar with these people, I could probably keep Abi (my companion cat), I know I’d feel comfortable cooking in the kitchen, it’s in a great location…why not just see if they have an available room. I knew that most likely there wouldn’t be room for me.

But there was! Someone had just moved out a few days earlier and the woman was really dreading having to make a Craigslist ad and weed through people who asked about the room. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go just anywhere if I was going to move away from Newberg, that I’d somehow have to be comfortable with the situation, and especially that I could keep Abi with me. Check to all, and then some. The idea of losing so much living space and giving up quite a few (unimportant) belongings can be hard at times but this upcoming living situation really helps make up for that. Added bonus is the fact that it will be easier for me to help my son as we continue to navigate life for him with as a young adult with autism.

On Monday C and I knew it was time to let go of our relationship. On Tuesday afternoon he talked to his brother and parents about the situation. On Tuesday night I got up the nerve to email K about the possibility of a room in her home. A couple hours later she said there is a room. On Wednesday I went to see her and take a look at the room. On Thursday I turned in the application at the leasing office and paid for my background check. There’s a loophole that means they don’t have to verify my income and are only making sure I’m not a criminal or a sucky renter, so there’s pretty much no way I’ll be turned down. I’m hoping to move into my new home on the 11th. It’s all been a whirlwind but it’s also continued to just fall into place. What were the odds that a room would be open at this home where I already knew I would feel safe and comfortable?!

Now C and I are working to get our collective Social Security dealt with so we each have our own money. We have an appointment with SS on Friday so C can be his own payee. We’re hoping that my rental agreement will be signed by Thursday afternoon so we can get the separate moneys stuff in the works while we’re at the SS appointment.

And now on to the emotional end of all of this. It’s been a freaking roller coaster. I’m sure this wasn’t helped by the fact that until yesterday I was premenstrual–and PMS has really been kicking my butt lately. Even though this is a great, amazing change for me, it is crazy stressful and scary. I can be excited as hell one minute, then completely doubting myself the next. Between the stress of change, being afraid that somehow this move won’t work out, and losing some great things and people in this whole process, there have been times when I’ve cried nonstop for an hour or two. Or five, as the case was two nights ago. Thankfully the past two days have been much better. Very little anxiety and no crying!

Even though this change and move will lead to some amazing new opportunities in my life, it also scares me so much at times. I just keep telling myself that I’m finally at a place in my life where I can handle all of this. The changes, the losses, all of it. It hurts to be losing C’s family. Even though we don’t see eye to eye on most things, they are great people and I already miss them.

One thing that’s been hard is the DID aspect of it all and how some people are reacting to that. I can explain until I’m blue in the face that Gloria was in front and the one who married C eight years ago and that her main job was done within a couple years of the wedding. That I was in front before she took over for a while and now I’m in front again for good as far as I know. That Gloria fully acknowledges her main job is done, although she is still part of our daily life in small ways. But I know I can’t expect people to understand this. How could they?! Even I don’t get it all. Try explaining to fundamentalist Christians who think they can pray away the DID–and to other people–that you’re literally not the same person they first met! I just have to roll with it and accept that most people won’t get this stuff. It is what it is, no matter what they think of it.

And so things are moving forward. I need to start packing the items that will move with me in about a week. One of my best friends is here for the weekend and tomorrow I’ll have her company to ease the stress of packing. My sons will be here for a night or two after the weekend for one last hurrah at Mom’s house. I told C I’ll need a few weeks to go through the things I don’t take with me and get them boxed up either for donating or taking with me and/or storing somewhere. He’s being very gracious about things like that. I helped C figure out what his budget will be like and wrote that all out. Lots of things need to be done before the move and still more after it. It can feel daunting, especially since I’m the one who’s having to take care of pretty much all of it. I made the bus trek into Tigard two days in a row to get room rental stuff going. I’ll have to go once or twice after the weekend. On Friday C and I have the Social Security appointment. (At least it’s an appointment and we aren’t walking in there, picking a number, and waiting for god knows how long for our turn.) Details. Busy-ness. Stress. Physical and emotional exhaustion. Crappy appetite that’s already causing weight loss. But no crying in two days. And no stress migraines sending me to bed with nausea that keeps me from even moving my head.

I can do this. I am doing it. This is scary but amazing.

In The End It’s Falling Into Place


I’ve been feeling really stressed out lately. The issue with DH (now known as C), worrying about my sons, the good stress of starting a Facebook group, worrying about money. Oh, and PMS has been brutal this cycle. I can’t stand myself half the time and I have moments (hours) of feeling downright suicidal because of my damn hormones. I’ve just really been feeling stressed.

Apparently C saw that on my face early this afternoon because he asked if I was upset. I told him no, just really stressed out. By what, he asked. So I told him. Including the marriage issue. I calmly laid out, yet again, our differences. And reminded him that this is nothing new, he has known it for a while, and we’ve just worked with it. And then he suggested that we quit trying to make it work. Those weren’t his exact words but that’s the gist of what he said. It was all calm. No one was upset, no voices were raised. We finally came to the mutual agreement that it doesn’t make sense to stay married. Which I’ve known for ages, of course. In the end it’s falling into place.

So now I am single. Well, separated. Does that mean single? I don’t exactly know. What I do know is that inside I am jumping for joy that I’m not in a relationship with him anymore!

We discussed how to separate. He is hoping he can stay with his parents. I really don’t know if they’ll let him. Tomorrow he’ll put his name on the list to move into a different apartment here in our complex and/or another complex a few blocks away. I think we’ll be okay being roommates for a while if we need to be. I am not moving, for reasons I’ve mentioned before. Way too stressful. We will divide the money in half until mine gets situated. Until I get my SSI back I won’t have enough money to cover all the expenses here and am hoping to be able to borrow money.

There are lots of changes coming. I feel relieved but also sad and scared about how things will change. The relief of not being in a relationship with him is incredible. I keep thinking, “I don’t have to kiss him! No more sex! I don’t even have to hug him!” But the changes will be stressful even though they’re good ones. Him moving out. Somehow to getting the money sorted out. Figuring out if I’ll still fit in with his family in any way. Living on my own again. Knowing I may well have to give up one of the cats, who won’t be easy to place. Even silly little things like not having a big flat screen TV, since we bought that with C’s SSD back pay and it’s only fair that he take it. Thankfully I have a smaller standard TV. Lots of changes and details to deal with. I know they’ll be stressful but it feels more natural and like the right time than ever before.

In the end it’s all falling into place, and it makes me feel amazingly liberated. This is gonna be good!